WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking development that has left the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) scrambling for explanations, 21 DOGE employees abruptly resigned last week, each receiving a mysterious $100,000 “consulting fee” from what appears to be a Bill Gates-funded shell company.

While the official reason given for the mass resignation was “irreconcilable bureaucratic fatigue”, leaked financial records suggest that the workers immediately deposited six-figure checks from a corporate entity listed as ‘B.G. Efficiency Solutions, LLC’—a company whose headquarters, oddly enough, appears to be a burner phone taped to a Roomba in a vacant Seattle office.

What Was the Money For?

Officially, Gates’ representatives insist the payments were for “data research and efficiency modeling”, which sounds sophisticated until you actually read the invoices, which include items like:

  • $15,000 for “digital paperclip realignment strategy”
  • $22,000 for “eliminating inefficiencies through the use of vibes”
  • $30,000 for “studying the impact of sitting in an office without doing anything”
  • $18,500 for “management consultation regarding the existential dread of government employment”
  • $14,500 for “a PowerPoint on PowerPoints”

Experts believe this may have been the most expensive way possible to pay people to quit their jobs.

The Great DOGE Exodus

The resignations have sent shockwaves through Washington, as DOGE was one of the few agencies that actually did something—allegedly. Tasked with “maximizing efficiency in government spending,” the department had spent the last decade studying why departments like itself exist at all.

Their landmark 2023 report, “Streamlining Inefficiency Through Bureaucratic Overlap”, concluded that eliminating redundant agencies could save billions, though it also recommended hiring an additional 30 employees to further study the problem.

One of the now-former DOGE employees, speaking under anonymity, admitted, “The truth is, most of us didn’t do much anyway. So when someone offered to pay us six figures to stop doing nothing, it was an easy call.”

Bill Gates’ Master Plan?

Speculation is swirling about why Gates—who normally sticks to vaccines, AI, and occasionally trying to block out the sun—would be so interested in quietly dismantling a government department.

Some believe it’s a bold new experiment in privatizing efficiency, with sources close to Gates hinting that he may have replaced DOGE with a single Excel spreadsheet that automatically corrects government spending in real-time.

Others fear it’s part of a larger scheme, with one former DOGE analyst warning, “If Gates is testing out ‘strategic resignations,’ how long before he starts offering six-figure checks to Congress?”

At press time, reports surfaced that Microsoft had just patented an AI-powered Department of Government Efficiency, tentatively called Clippy 2.0, with one core function: whenever Congress proposes spending billions, a pop-up will appear saying, ‘Are you sure you want to do that?’