In a decision that legal scholars are calling “the judicial equivalent of a shrug,” the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals has officially nullified the preemptive pardon of Capitol Police Officer Michael Byrd, citing one glaring issue:

“He hasn’t actually been charged with a crime.”

That minor detail didn’t stop former President Joe Biden from issuing the pardon in late 2022 “just to be safe,” calling Byrd’s actions on January 6th “bravery in the face of unarmed blonde aggression.” The order, scrawled in Sharpie on the back of a Cheesecake Factory napkin, granted Byrd full immunity from “any and all things people might one day try to pin on him,” including but not limited to: murder, jaywalking, and saying “Macarena” too loud on a plane.

But now the 11th Circuit has stepped in to ruin everyone’s fun. In their official opinion, the court stated that pardoning someone for a crime they haven’t been accused of was “legally dubious,” “philosophically circular,” and “something only Biden or maybe a squirrel on Red Bull would do.”

The news has rocked Byrd’s legal team, which had just finished assembling a star-studded defense for an appeal that no one asked for. According to DOGE records, Byrd’s list of “character witnesses” includes 196 men who famously evaded the Vietnam draft (including one guy named “Todd Freedom”) and, in a twist nobody saw coming, the ghost of Richard Nixon.

“We’re confident we’ll win on appeal,” said Byrd’s lead attorney Joe Barron, who insists Nixon’s spectral testimony will prove “crucial in establishing the tradition of government officials doing shady stuff without consequences.”

“President Nixon understands the importance of a pardon, especially one that preempts an investigation, a trial, and, preferably, any basic facts,” Barron said. “He’ll be joining us via Ouija board.”

Sources say the ghost of Nixon has already made contact during rehearsals, spelling out “I AM NOT A GHOST” before demanding everyone present address him as “Doctor Watergate.”

Meanwhile, the 196 Vietnam draft dodgers—gathered from college campuses, off-grid communes, and a suspiciously active frisbee golf league—are expected to testify that Byrd acted in the same noble spirit they did: “Avoiding conflict at all costs by shooting first.”

Critics of the ruling, mainly MSNBC interns and a guy named Art Tubolls who once sold handmade gavel keychains outside the Supreme Court, say the court’s decision sets a dangerous precedent: the idea that someone has to be accused of something before they can be forgiven for it.

“The whole thing smells of accountability,” sniffed Whoopi Goldberg from the set of The View. “And I don’t like it.”

Byrd, for his part, has issued no official comment but was last seen at a Capitol Police mixer asking if anyone had “seen that napkin.” Biden, upon hearing the news, reportedly asked, “Is this about Corn Pop again?”

God Bless America.