Ted Nugent has really come through for the people of Chimney Rock. According to sources near Wichita, The Nuge is sending $2 million worth of heavy equipment from his ranches in Montana, Upstate New York, and Iceland to help rebuild the roads in and out of town.
“He’s sending 11 excavators, 14 tractors, and a push mower,” said the guy from Wichita who told us the story, “He’s also lending them a half-dozen beluga whales from the Iceland ranch. He doesn’t really own them, but they are his friends.”
The guy, who asked to remain anonymous because he has warrants and was on meth at the time, says his sources are beyond reproach. Since we never met those sources, we have no reason to dispute their validity.
In keeping with the traditions of good journalisticating, we gave the guy $7 for a sandwich, because that’s how much a sandwich costs in Joe Biden’s America, a hit of meth from our personal stash, and a couple of smokes. That right there is how you keep a solid source.
In other news, Ted Nugent shat himself to avoid going to Vietnam, which everyone says was a cowardly thing to do, but knowing what we know now, would it have benefited anyone had he died in a rice patty just outside of Hanoi?
This reporter thinks not, patriots. God Bless you, Ted Nugent, and God Bless America.
