Nick Shirley Tracked Down the New Location of the Cabal’s “Comet Pizza”

Citizen journalist Nick Shirley announced Thursday that he has successfully tracked the “Cabal’s” primary child trafficking operation to its new location in Los Recto, California, a small unincorporated community approximately forty miles east of Sacramento where the former Comet Ping Pong has reportedly relocated following “excessive publicity” in Washington D.C.

Shirley, who has been staking out airport restrooms and frozen yogurt shops since 2017, presented evidence including a Yelp review mentioning “basement-style seating” and a Google Maps screenshot showing the establishment’s proximity to a public park.

The facility, operating under the name “Comet Pizza West,” is located at 4 Pedo Way in a strip mall between a closed-down Blockbuster Video and a store called “Definitely Not Fronting for Anything LLC.” Shirley told reporters that the address “practically announces itself” and that he was “shocked by the brazenness” of the Cabal’s continued use of pizza-related branding despite widespread exposure of the original D.C. location.

“Four Pedo Way,” said Jeb Narro, a former Domino’s delivery driver who once brought a pepperoni pizza to a house near Sacramento and now consults on “suspicious carbohydrate distribution.” “The number four. Like four corners. Of a square. Which is a shape. Used in pizza. Boxes. And ‘Pedo.’ Short for pedestrian. Or something else. Very suspicious. I’ve delivered to addresses. With numbers. This is the worst one. By far.”

The “Los Recto” location, according to Reno Borja, a dental hygienist who drove through California once in 2019, is particularly damning. “Los Recto,” Benja explained, adjusting his map of California. “In Spanish. ‘The Recto.’ Which means… the rectum. City of buttholes. I’ve studied Spanish. On an app. For three days. It’s clear. The Cabal is hiding in plain sight. In a city named after… that. I’ve seen buttholes. In dental X-rays. Of patients. Who sat. Too long. Very suspicious positioning.”

Joe Barron, who once successfully ordered a pizza in 2016 and now consults on “geographic linguistics,” analyzed the name’s significance. “Los Recto,” Barron declared from his booth at a Pizza Hut. “The City of Buttholes. In California. Which is Spanish for… California. The connection is clear. If you speak Spanish. Poorly. Like I do. From watching telenovelas. With subtitles. The Cabal thinks we won’t notice. The name. The address. The pizza. But I noticed. Because I’m observant. Of things. On maps.”

Barron has offered to lead the raid on the location, provided authorities allow him to wear his custom “Pizzagate Investigator” tactical vest and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “trafficking from the breadstick basket.”

The Los Recto Chamber of Commerce clarified that the town name derives from “recto” meaning “straight” or “right” in Spanish, referencing the town’s position on a direct stagecoach route, and that 4 Pedo Way is named after Pedro “Pedo” Hernandez, a 19th-century rancher whose nickname referenced his short stature (“pedo” being slang for “fart” in some dialects, not the English cognate), prompting Barron to note that “explanation is the first stage of cover-up,” calculate that the statement was released at 3:33 PM, and observe that “3 plus 3 plus 3 equals 9, which is the number of slices in a large pizza, divided by the number of actual basements at 4 Pedo Way, which is zero, because California doesn’t have basements, because of earthquakes, which the Cabal also controls.”