He has many nicknames, but the one he’s known best for is “Master of Horror.” He’s Stephen King, and for more than four decades, he sent chills down the spines of countless Americans.

Unfortunately, for those of his fans who liked his old style, he went woke. Sometime between 2019 and 2021, King joined the woke brigade, and he hasn’t sold a new manuscript since.

“His new stuff is awful,” said King’s former publisher Joe Barron, “It’s all woke nonsense about saving the planet and giving land back to Native Americans. His last one was about a family of werewolves who were treated unfairly at the border in Trump’s America, so they went on a killing spree and targeted white men with red hats. I mean come on.”

King’s current Publisher, Williams Vanden and Boom says its been waiting months for a new submission. “He doesn’t return my calls anymore,” said Horror Editor Ryan J Fish, “He’s always on a recycling run or picking up a woman from Texas for an abortion.”

ALLOD Literary Consulterator Tara Newhole said she’s absolutely not interested in covering this story at all, as the real-world version of her is likely Stephen King’s biggest fan. “It all started with Cujo,” she said, “I just love that big evil furball.”

Without the benefit of a specialist to evaluate the work, we’re gonna go ahead and call it bad, because we really, really hope and pray for it to be true. Or false. Or whatever.

Looks like the joke’s on you, Stephen King. God Bless America.

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