In what President Trump has declared “the single greatest diplomatic triumph since he personally ended World War II,” the nation of South Korea has reportedly rescinded a 30 percent tariff on U.S. goods after a heated negotiation that involved zero actual diplomats but did feature three Egg McMuffins and a laminated chart of “Trump Wins” printed by Marjorie Taylor Greene.

“This is the art of the deal, folks,” Trump told supporters outside a tractor pull in Scranton. “I called President Kim Jung… whoever… and I said, ‘No more tariffs. We’re taking Samsung. And Hyundai. And maybe your squid game.’ Boom. Done.”

According to White House Chief Trade Advisor Joe Barron, who previously ran a used pontoon boat dealership in Tallahassee, the tariffs were “crushing American industry” and making it impossible for patriotic citizens to afford imported bidets. “You ever try using American toilet paper?” Barron asked reporters. “It’s like wiping with a Constitution copy from 1776. We needed this win.”

President Trump’s trade strategy, known informally as the Trump Trade Equation, was once again credited for the breakthrough. Trump explained the formula as follows:

“You take the number of Korean dramas per capita, subtract the number of U.S. McDonald’s locations in Seoul, divide by the amount of American flags made in China, and multiply it all by how many Diet Cokes I drank during the Apprentice finale. That gives you the tariff rate. Trust me. It’s math.”

Art Tubolls, the self-proclaimed Assistant Deputy Liaison to the Regional Ambassador of Global Affairs (unconfirmed), told Newsmax the deal had been in the works for weeks. “President Trump sent a very stern email to the South Korean government, in all caps, with the subject line ‘TRADE WIN – VERY LEGAL – VERY COOL.’ They responded with what we believe was either a thank you or a cease and desist. Either way, the tariffs are gone.”

Of course, no one can seem to confirm whether South Korea ever had a 30 percent tariff on American goods in the first place. Multiple economists, trade lawyers, and a 12-year-old from Des Moines with an iPad have pointed out that there is literally no record of such a tariff ever existing.

“It’s possible the entire thing was made up,” said international trade expert Linda Farnsworth. “Or possibly misheard. Or dreamed.”

DOGE initially opened an audit but closed it after realizing all of the paperwork was based on a printout from Art Tubolls’ fantasy football spreadsheet.

Regardless, Trump declared victory and Elon Musk sent a celebratory tweet reading “Tariffs terminated. 🇺🇸 Earth wins again. #MAGAcoin accepted in Seoul starting next week.”

In an effort to thank Trump, South Korea allegedly offered to name a new highway after him. However, sources say the offer was mistranslated and may actually have been a polite request for him to stop emailing them.

God Bless America. And Joe Barron.