Rittenhouse Running For Kenosha Sheriff

Celebrities.  Huh.  Good God, y’all, what are they good for?  Absolutely nothin, say it again.

Except in the United States, where more and more often, the cult of personality has been known to intersect with the political world.  Jessie “The Governor” Ventura and Arnold Schwartzenegger.  Al Franken and Gary Coleman.  Hell, even Matthew McConaughey was considering a run for office.

Now, just beginning a decline from the height of his dubious popularity, Kyle “Splat Ball” Rittenhouse has decided to run for sheriff of Kenosha Wisconsin, the exact same town where he was arrested for mowing down three people during a protest.  Not a riot, a protest.

Rittenhouse came to the conclusion after a long talk with former President and hideously deformed loser Donald Trump, who told him to : “Reach for the stars and grab them, Kyle – right by the pussy.”  It launched an epiphany inside the young trigger-rigger’s melon and the next day, it was already in motion.

Kyle’s first speech went fairly, according to Wisconsin Buckeye reporter Sandy Batt, who was at the hastily called press conference at the Queefacabana club.

“”He talked about cleaning up the streets with this idea he has to arm all the kids in detention class from his school.  It’s a little ridiculous and extraordinarily naive and dumb, but he’s running as a Republican.  I mean what did you expect?  Commander Data?”

Batt is right that celebrity Republicans don’t often make for good lawmakers or public servants.  All we have to do is remember back when Hitler was first elected. Oops.  “National Socialist Party” my entire ass.

We can only hope that Rittenhouse can somehow manage to see the better part of sense, or at least, will ignore the advice of the megaton mulberry over in Florida.  It’s well known that any and all advice originating in that state usually leads directly to an episode of CSI.