In what some in the sports world are calling “an inspiring stand for fairness” and others are calling “Tuesday,” seven female athletes from across the country have forfeited their respective matches, races, and events in protest of being forced to compete against a biological male.

The athletes, all of whom wore matching shirts reading “Real Women Compete With Real Women” and hats that said “XX > XY,” stood defiantly on the sidelines of their events, refusing to participate. The scene was emotional, especially for the one hammer thrower who sobbed into a Gatorade towel after boycotting a practice round.

“We didn’t sign up for this,” said Shelby Linderman, a Division III discus thrower at an unnamed Christian college in a state that rhymes with Bexas. “This isn’t the Olympics, but it matters to us. Or at least it did until the woke agenda ruined it.”

The protest gained national attention after an anonymous source inside DOGE (Department of Governmental Ethics) leaked a memo suggesting that at least one athlete may have been scheduled to compete against an “unverified possibly male-identified participant.”

The memo was later revealed to be a flyer for a community dodgeball game.

Naturally, conservative media outlets ran with the story, with headlines like:
“Biological Men Now Dominate Underwater Basket Weaving” and
“Sports Are Dead and So Is Truth – Thanks, Joe Biden.”

Even Tucker Carlson’s new show on FruitTV did a full segment on it, standing in front of a still image of Lia Thomas eating a sandwich, which he referred to as “a power move by the gender lobby.”

But then came the twist.

After a thorough investigation by DOGE, including interviews, security footage, and a surprising number of vape pen receipts, it was confirmed that none of the seven female athletes were actually scheduled to compete against a man. In fact, none of them have ever competed against a man. And in one case, the athlete in question was competing in archery. Against herself.

“They just assumed,” said event coordinator Joe Barron. “One of them thought a javelin judge looked masculine and that spiraled into a group text. Next thing you know, seven people walk off a field they were never on to begin with.”

When asked why they protested, Shelby replied, “It’s the principle. Today it’s not happening, but tomorrow it might. And we won’t be there for it when it does. Because we already quit.”

President Trump responded with a Truth Social post:

“These women are HEROES. I don’t know what they were doing, or where, or who they were against, but that doesn’t matter. They STOOD UP against ANTIFA SPORTS!”

DOGE has closed the investigation, noting only that they “can’t afford to waste taxpayer money chasing ghosts unless the ghosts identify as leftist.”

God Bless America.