WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what may be the most unexpected political plot twist since Al Gore invented the internet, Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly stumbled upon Hillary Clinton’s long-lost email server—buried deep inside a closet in Foggy Bottom.

An Accidental Discovery

According to sources close to the Florida senator, Rubio was in Foggy Bottom conducting what he described as “totally routine Republican snooping” when he noticed an oddly humming wooden wardrobe in an abandoned office building. Upon opening the door, he was blinded by the glow of an ancient, dust-covered Dell tower, which was still miraculously connected to dial-up internet and a mysterious AOL email account labeled “HRCQueenBee1996”.

“I thought I had just found an old fax machine,” Rubio explained at an impromptu press conference. “But when I saw the sticky note on the side that said ‘DO NOT TOUCH – CLASSIFIED STUFF INSIDE’ in what I can only assume was Hillary’s handwriting, I knew I had hit the jackpot.”

The Server’s “Shocking” Contents

Cybersecurity experts working with Rubio’s team have begun extracting files, and early reports suggest the server contains some groundbreaking revelations, including:

  • A 1,200-page Word document titled “Excuses for Losing to Trump”
  • A folder labeled “Benghazi, But Make It Fashion” containing nothing but memes
  • A PowerPoint presentation titled “How to Delete Emails and Influence People”
  • A recipe collection titled “Bill’s Favorite Intern Snacks”
  • A partially written email draft to Barack Obama reading, “Why didn’t we delete THIS one too?”

Rubio’s Next Steps

The senator has called for an immediate Congressional investigation into why the server was left in such an obvious location, noting that he found it between a stack of unused “I’m With Her” bumper stickers and a case of expired Chardonnay.

“I want to know who was in charge of hiding this thing,” Rubio said. “Because whoever it was should never play hide-and-seek again. This was easier to find than a CNN reporter at a Biden press conference.”

Clinton Responds

Within hours of Rubio’s announcement, Hillary Clinton took to X (formerly Twitter) to downplay the situation, posting:

“Oh wow, you found my old server? Hope you also found my missing emails, my dignity, and the electoral votes from Wisconsin. #GetOverIt”

Meanwhile, longtime Clinton aide Huma Abedin was spotted entering the Foggy Bottom office with what appeared to be a large magnet, a baseball bat, and a gasoline can before being swiftly escorted out by Capitol Police.

The Investigation Continues

As the Senate prepares for another round of “totally necessary and not at all politically motivated” hearings, Rubio insists that his discovery is only the beginning.

“If I can find this server in a random closet, who knows what else is hiding in D.C.?” he mused. “Maybe Bill Clinton’s conscience? Maybe the DNC’s plan for a fair primary? The possibilities are endless.”

For now, the server is being examined in a secure, undisclosed location (a.k.a. Ted Cruz’s basement), with analysts already combing through its files in search of the biggest scandal since Watergate—or at least since Hunter Biden’s last laptop.