One of the first things Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth did when he walked into the Pentagon this morning was to order Tim Walz stripped of rank and discharged for stolen valor.
“He claimed he was a rank he didn’t earn, and he claimed he carried a weapon in war,” said Hegseth’s assistant, Joe Barron, “The Secretary would do the same to any soldier who committed the same offense.”
When asked why Hegseth wasn’t immediately available for comment, Barron said he went directly to the after-party once he was sworn in, but he gave his proxies plenty to do in his stead.
“We get to root out the gays, discharge the trans folk, and strip anyone who isn’t a straight, white, Christian male of their rank and pay for being a DEI hire. It’s great that we can make the armed forces great again in the name of national defense.”
It’s a beautiful day at the Pentagon, patriots, and a stellar day at the Candlelight Motel just outside of Baltimore, where Hegseth plans to hole up with a bottle of something expensive, several hookers, and a mountain of blow to celebrate his new job.
“The Hegseth era will restore the military to its former glory,” said an angry dude in an imposing hat worn tight across his eyebrows. The men will be men, the women will be afraid, and nobody will question it when a recruit dies from having too many avocados plowed into his rectum as a punishment for being caught blowing a cabbie.”
It sounds great to us, patriots. God bless you, SECDEF Pete. And God bless America.
