It’s official: Stormy Daniels is broke. As in, “might have to go back to doing karaoke at truck stops” broke. And who took her down?
Sean Hannity.
In a shocking but totally satisfying courtroom victory, a New York Superior Court judge has awarded Hannity a whopping $6.2 million settlement in his defamation suit against the former adult film star.
“She should have left my client out of her quarrels with the President,” said Hannity’s attorney Joe Barron, “She certainly had no right to call him a pedophile or insinuate that he was on Epstein Island. Sean has only ever been to the Caribbean with the expressed written consent of three Navy chaplains and his mother.”
The lawsuit stemmed from Daniels’ repeated appearances on what we’re legally obligated to refer to as “left-leaning misinformation outlets,” where she made comments like “Hannity gives me the creeps,” and “he’s just Trump’s louder parrot in a hairpiece.” Apparently, one of those statements really struck a nerve. (Hint: it was the hair.)
The judge, citing “a pattern of reckless, slanderous behavior,” ruled that Daniels’ comments directly led to Hannity being disinvited from a fundraiser at Ted Nugent’s hunting lodge, a catastrophic loss of emotional support bacon, and “one really awkward brunch with Tucker Carlson.”
“It’s about time someone stood up for the good guys,” Hannity said outside the courtroom, wiping away tears with a monogrammed American flag bandana. “I didn’t want her money. I wanted justice. But I’ll take the money too.”
Daniels, for her part, was last seen attempting to trade a signed DVD copy of Space Nuts 4: The Final Frontier for gas money outside an Arby’s in Yonkers. Her lawyer, Art Tubolls, said they plan to appeal but acknowledged, “Yeah, no, we’re probably screwed. She’s been Venmoing me in expired coupons.”
The court’s decision is being celebrated across red America as a long-overdue win for decency, liberty, and grown men who yell into microphones for a living. “This is the first time in years the court has done something that didn’t feel like a bad acid trip at a Nancy Pelosi wine tasting,” said conservative legal analyst Sandy Batt.
Even Donald Trump weighed in, posting on Truth Social: “SEAN HANNITY – GREAT GUY, CLEAN AS A WHISTLE. STORMY DANIELS? MORE LIKE STORMY DAMAGES – TO HERSELF! #LOSER #EWW”
As part of the settlement, Daniels must also publicly retract her statements, issue an apology on live television, and—perhaps most humiliatingly—sit through one full episode of Hannity without groaning audibly.
When asked what he planned to do with the money, Hannity replied, “Donate it to wounded veterans, the NRA, or possibly buy a solid gold statue of Rush Limbaugh’s voice. I haven’t decided yet.”
In the end, justice was served. The truth prevailed. And Stormy Daniels now knows what happens when you mess with Fox News royalty.
God Bless Sean Hannity.
God Bless President Trump.
And God Bless America.
