School Systems in 16 States Discontinue Tyson Food Products: “They’re on the Wrong Side of History”

Tyson Foods has moved from one of the top food producers in the US to one of the worst in just a matter of weeks. Between horrible recruiting policies and a new program to introduce “insect protein” into the food supply chain, the company has drawn nothing but negative attention.

It’s gotten so bad that school systems in 16 states have discontinued Tyson products on their menus. The Tyson Dino Nuggett is the most popular item on school trays nationwide, edging out Uncrustables and Bosco Sticks by a wide margin.

“We’re not really sure what we’re going to tell the little ones,” said lunch lady Marge from Boise, “They love those nuggets. Are we supposed to serve regular-shaped nuggets with smily face mashed potato fries or should we switch to tater tots? Everything is up in the air right now.”

Thanks, Tyson. Way to go. The US School Lunch Monitoring Service says the impact will be felt most in low-income homes. “My kid isn’t gonna eat regular nuggets on Tuesdays,” said Betsy from the trailer park on Lincoln, “I’ma have to make the little brat a tuna sandwich. Have you priced tuna lately? I’ll be pawning my Nintendo Switch again and going without Animal Crossing until next month’s check comes in. Thanks Joe Biden.”

Betsy isn’t the only one concerned. Her neighbor, Boomer Roy, says if things don’t change Betsy will probably move to the Tiny Home park down the street, where he won’t be able to see in her bathroom window. “I’m oddly aroused by a woman who shaves her chin but never plucks her eyebrows,” said Roy, “Ill miss her. I’ve gotten to third base like four times when she passed out in my spare bedroom.”

ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole wanted to add that the entire premise of this story reeks of the whole “A Modest Proposal isn’t funny” thing and should probably be excluded from existing.

“Seriously, Flagg. This one’s total trash,” said Newhole.  Yeah, well so are you. God Bless America.