The woman claiming to be Sasha and Malia Obama’s biological mother has filed a $47 million lawsuit against the Obama family, alleging breach of contract and “unpaid surrogacy fees.” The suit, which was filed in a jurisdiction that legal experts are still trying to locate, represents the latest escalation in the ongoing conspiracy theories about the Obama daughters’ origins.
According to documents obtained by conservative journalist Reno Borja, the plaintiff—identified only as “Jane Doe, but definitely not Michelle”—claims she entered into a “verbal agreement” with the Obamas in 1996 to “gestate and deliver two female children for political purposes.” The suit alleges that the Obamas promised “unlimited college tuition, three houses, and a Netflix deal” in exchange for her silence, but have “failed to deliver on the Netflix portion” and “keep ignoring her LinkedIn requests.”
“The contract was clear,” Borja reported, citing his exclusive interview with the plaintiff, who he met “in a parking lot, very briefly, she wouldn’t give her name, but she seemed trustworthy.” “She carried those girls for nine months each. She deserves compensation. Also, she wants visitation rights to Thanksgiving, but only the good years, not the ones where they talk about politics.”
Legal analyst Jan O’Berro called the lawsuit “jurisprudentially fascinating.” O’Berro noted that the filing includes several unusual demands, including “one million dollars for emotional distress caused by having to watch the 2020 DNC” and “replacement value for a sweater left at the White House in 2014.” “Most lawsuits don’t itemize clothing,” O’Berro explained. “Also, most lawsuits are filed in actual courts. This one appears to have been filed in ‘The Court of Public Opinion, District of Facebook,’ which doesn’t have jurisdiction over anything except shares.”
Constitutional scholar Abe Roborj, interviewed at a courthouse in Chicago while his emotional support parakeet named “Standing” reviewed the filing for jurisdictional issues, calculated the lawsuit’s validity. “If you take the $47 million requested, multiply by the number of pages in the filing—which is 3, including the cover sheet, divide by the probability that this is a real legal document—which my research suggests is 0, you get a figure that suggests this was created by Reno Borja’s cousin who ‘took a law class once’ and ‘knows how to use LegalZoom.'”
The Obama family has not responded to the suit, though sources say Michelle Obama “laughed for approximately 847 seconds” when shown the documents, which is “exactly how long it took to read them out loud while pointing out the Comic Sans font.”
