Sasha and Malia Obama’s biological father says that if the family doesn’t pony up $40 million, he’s writing a book.

Boroja Motumba Gabalya-Barron, of the Rhose Island Barrons, says he has “documented proof” that the Obama girls were purchased from him and his ex-wife on the day they were born.

“It was arranged from the start.”

The surrogate dad, who self-describes as “Rhode Island royalty” and former parking attendant at a Providence mall, has threatened to publish a tell-all memoir exposing what he claims is the “arranged acquisition” of Sasha and Malia Obama unless the former First Family pays him $40 million in unmarked gift cards.

“I have documented proof,” Gabalya-Barron announced at a press conference held in the food court of a closed-down Sears, displaying a birth certificate he admitted was “reconstructed from memory” and a photograph of two infants he claimed were the Obama daughters, though the image appeared to be a stock photo of generic babies from a 1994 parenting magazine. “It was arranged from the start. I was there. In the hospital. Or nearby. In the parking structure. Where I worked. Which gives me standing.”

The “Rhode Island Barrons,” according to genealogical records searched by actual historians, consist of Gabalya-Barron and his emotional support ferret, whom he has named “Co-Conspirator.”

“This is finally the truth,” said Ron Jobear, a dental hygienist who has followed Gabalya-Barron’s YouTube channel since 2019. “The birth certificates. The hospital records. The parking validation tickets from 2001 and 1998. It all lines up. I’ve seen dental records. They don’t lie. These girls have teeth. I checked. On Google Images. Very suspicious teeth. Too straight. Too white. Like royalty. Or purchased children. Same thing.”

The $40 million demand, according to Abe Roborj, a commercial insurance adjuster who specializes in “celebrity extortion claims,” is “market rate.” “Forty million is standard for fake children,” Abe explained, adjusting his clip-on tie. “I’ve assessed thousands of claims. Real children? Priceless. Fake children? Forty million. It’s right there in the policy. Section 47. Subsection ‘P’ for ‘Purchased.’ I’ve seen it. In a dream. But still.”

Joe Barron, who once successfully returned a defective burrito in 2017 and now consults on “paternity grift analysis,” reviewed Gabalya-Barron’s evidence. “The parking attendant angle is genius,” Barron declared from his booth at a Golden Corral. “He was there. In the structure. When they arrived. In cars. To have babies. Or acquire them. I’ve parked in structures. You see things. Reflections. Shadows. Possible adoptions. It’s all very plausible. If you’re not thinking clearly. Which I’m not. By design.”

Barron has offered to serve as Gabalya-Barron’s literary agent, provided he can wear his custom “Paternity Truth” sash and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “purchased children from the salad bar.”

The Obama family has not responded to the allegations, which Barron called “exactly what people with something to not-respond-to would do,” noting that their silence was issued at 3:33 PM, which “adds up to 9, the number of months in a pregnancy, divided by one for obvious reasons.”