Roseanne Barr Scores $30 Million Leading Role in Kevin Costner’s New Project

You heard it here first, patriots. Kevin Costner has officially signed his favorite actress, Roseanne Barr, to a $30 million leading role in his new project. Costner confirmed the deal in an exclusive interview.

“Yeah, I hired her,” said the Dances with Woodchucks star, “nobody could possibly play the role but her. I wrote it with her in mind.”

Costner says the role is a bitter old hag who could rival the matriarch from “Throw Momma from the Train.” He says it requires a particular skillset that he believes Roseanne and Roseanne alone possesses. “She doesn’t really even have any lines,” he said, “she just grunts angrily and stares at everyone like she’s the smartest person in the room, but you can just tell that she’s lost anything meaningful she’d ever learned to some warped post-menopausal love for assholes.”

It does sound like she’ll fit the role well. We reached out to Roseanne for an angry grunt but haven’t received a response. We’ll keep you updated.

Costner plans to build an all-star cast of people willing to be seen working with Roseanne, which made the casting pretty exclusive. Big names like Baio and Carano were tossed around. There’s a rumor that Tim Allen might consult from a distance where he can remind everyone that his political stances don’t matter as much as the beloved characters he’s played over the years.

It’s bound to be a knee-slapping good time, patriots. Coming to a theater near you shortly after Rosie’s new show airs on NBC. or Fox. Or whichever network the article you probably just read said it’s on.

God bless Roseanne, Kevin Costner, the Hercules guy because he didn’t get a mention but Scott Baio did, and, of course, America.