Obama, Goldberg, To Host 57th ‘Rockin’ New Years Eve’

It’s become an annual American tradition : the celebration of the New Year, formerly hosted by beloved late icon Dick Clark, and passed on to protege Ryan Seacrest.

This year, however, due to previous engagements with the LGBTQ community, Seacrest is “out”, and the night of music, pageantry, and celebrity will be hosted by enormously popular first lady Michelle Obama and comedienne, host, and space bartender Whoopi Goldberg.

The two stars were chosen to co-host the legendary nationally televised event by a committee headed up by Democratic celebrity wrangler Joe Barron, who also handles duties for the Superbowl halftime show, MTV’s “Cribs”, and openings for supermarkets that sell carob as an awful and tasteless substitute for chocolate to suburban housewives who are watching their fat asses.

Obama and Goldberg expressed excitement at working together for the four-hour broadcast, and the latter “View” hostess told The Hollywood ScreenQueef magazine that the occasion was momentous, both for liberal superiority and black women.

“This year’s party is going to have two very strong, independent, and intelligent voices going for it. We’ve scheduled a lot of great things, a lot of great artists like Taylor Swift, Kathy Griffin, and that son of John Lennon’s that Yoko didn’t get her hooks into.

They’re all going to do amazing performances. We’re also scheduling a bunch of celebratory skits for Joe Biden, since we figure it’s a foregone conclusion he’ll be the New President by then. We’re really looking forward to welcoming in 2023 minus the stink and stupidity of the festering Trump crowd.

We’re even planning on having the ball drop on top of a giant Trump balloon that will pop and spew out marijuana edibles and Birkenstocks.  See you all there!”

Other special guests scheduled to appear include Mark Hamill, star of the smash hit movie “Corvette Summer”, alt-rockers Hanson performing a tribute to the late Edward Van Halen, and television’s own lovable curmudgeon Patrick “Star Wars : The Mango DeLorean” Stewart.