Eagles QB : ‘Game Was Rigged’

The exciting events of yesterday’s football Armageddon are over, with the Kansas City Chiefs emerging victorious, an outcome that I, personally, had predicted and won five dollars for.

But there’s one person who heartily disagrees with the finishing statistics.  That person would be Jalen Hurts, the quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, who insists that the game, from start to finish, was, quote unquote : “rigged.”

“The kickoff right from the beginning was enormously shady, and I should have said something right there and then,” Hurts said to media sources after the contest.  “And after that, if you’d have been staring really hard at the turf, you’d have seen what I’m talking about.”

Hurts claims that the ground on which the game took place was : “manipulated” to electronically raise and lower in certain places to detract from his movement.  He also claims that the referee was a member of a top-secret organization dedicated to the Chiefs.

“Joe Barron, the referee, he’s one of the Deep Weight, a group that lives in Kansas City and wants Clark Kent and the state of Kansas to reign supreme in America.  He threw the game.  Rigged.  I’m 100 percent sure.”

Hurts was apparently unaware that not only was the referee named Carl Cheffers and that Joe Barron is simply the name constantly used by a satire page, but that Kansas City is in Missouri.

Hurts is also pointing out empty bags along the sidelines as “suspicious of formerly containing water guns filled with piss.”