WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking yet somehow completely predictable revelation, a Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) audit has uncovered that Rep. Rashida Tlaib, who entered Congress while reportedly receiving public assistance, has miraculously built a $28 million stock portfolio during her time in office.
While financial experts are still trying to determine if she’s an investing prodigy, an economic wizard, or just really lucky with congressional perks, Tlaib insists her massive wealth is simply the result of “hard work, smart budgeting, and completely normal government salary growth.”
How Did She Do It?
According to DOGE auditors, Tlaib’s investment portfolio includes some of the most absurdly well-timed trades in modern history, with holdings in:
- $5 million in a solar panel company that mysteriously received a federal grant right after she praised them on Twitter
- $4.2 million in a startup that produces “ethical” designer handbags made from recycled protest signs
- $3.5 million in a company that sells tear gas-proof scarves to activists
- $2.8 million in a crypto fund called “RevolutionCoin” that only accepts donations in untraceable foreign currencies
- $1.9 million in a consulting firm owned by her second cousin, which specializes in “government efficiency strategies” (that somehow only work for people related to Rashida Tlaib)
DOGE Investigators Baffled
One DOGE investigator described the situation as “a financial miracle of biblical proportions”, noting that Tlaib’s portfolio consistently outperforms the S&P 500, Warren Buffett, and every hedge fund in America.
“What’s crazy is that she seems to have an uncanny ability to invest in companies that later get taxpayer-funded subsidies,” the investigator added. “It’s almost as if… I don’t know… she has inside knowledge of how the government works. But that would be totally impossible, right?”
Tlaib’s Explanation
When confronted about her sudden wealth, Tlaib shrugged off the concerns, stating:
“People are just mad that a working-class woman figured out how to succeed in America.”
She then offered her foolproof investing strategy:
- Get elected to Congress.
- Criticize corporations while secretly investing in them.
- Ensure government funding somehow always benefits your portfolio.
- Deny everything, blame capitalism, and cash out.
Tlaib also reassured critics, saying, “I’m still deeply committed to fighting for working-class Americans—right after I finish reviewing my yacht options.”
Washington Reacts
While some lawmakers expressed outrage, others scrambled to learn her secrets, with reports indicating that half of Congress has signed up for her “Wealth Redistribution for Me, Not Thee” investment seminar.
At press time, Tlaib was spotted leaving a private investor retreat in the Maldives, reportedly planning her next move—perhaps launching a hedge fund called ‘The People’s Portfolio’ while tweeting about the evils of wealth.
