President Donald J. Trump, acting in his ever-presidential capacity as Commander of All He Surveys, has issued an official warning to Barack Obama: Stay out of America’s foreign affairs, or prepare to be greeted at the airport by U.S. Marshals with some shiny bracelets and a one-way ticket to the basement of a D.C. federal courthouse.
The warning comes after Obama reportedly made plans to swing by El Salvador on his way to the NATO summit in Costa Rica—two nations Trump says “barely qualify as real countries” and which “nobody even heard of until Sleepy Joe ruined the map.” Trump, who will not attend the summit because “they’re all woke over there and won’t even let me bring my cheeseburger guy,” insists that the former president has no authority to represent the United States.
“He doesn’t speak for us,” Trump said from a Chick-fil-A parking lot in Tallahassee. “He speaks for George Soros, the Deep State, and probably Meghan Markle. But not America.”
White House Spokesman Joe Barron clarified that under Trump’s newly discovered interpretation of the Hatch Act, private citizens are now prohibited from speaking to foreigners unless they’ve passed a “patriotism check” administered via Facebook comments and a call-in quiz show hosted by Kari Lake.
“If Obama sets foot on foreign soil with so much as a pamphlet about global cooperation, we’re sending in the marshals,” Barron confirmed. “This isn’t some Obama-era lawless wonderland. This is Trump’s America, baby.”
The Hatch Act, traditionally meant to prevent federal employees from engaging in political activities while on duty, has now apparently been upgraded to include “anyone Trump doesn’t like doing anything Trump doesn’t understand.” According to Executive Order 123-4-GO-TO-JAIL, signed in Sharpie last week during a Truth Social livestream, all ex-presidents must receive permission from Lara Trump’s border collie before traveling abroad.
Obama’s office, when reached for comment, responded only with a copy of his Hawaiian birth certificate, a playlist of smooth jazz, and a handwritten note reading: “Tell Donald to relax. I’m just going for pupusas.”
Meanwhile, sources inside the Trump campaign say the former president is working with Pam Bondi and Kash Patel to establish a shadow Department of International Obstruction, or DOIO, to investigate any Democrats caught saying things that sound too smart overseas.
“This is about control,” said one unnamed source believed to be Art Tubolls. “Control of the narrative, control of the airports, and most importantly, control of who gets to sit next to Macron at dinner.”
Of course, none of this has any legal basis, historical precedent, or relationship to reality. But that’s never stopped Trump before, and it’s certainly not going to start now.
God Bless America.
