Pelosi Speech to Kick Off Superbowl Halftime Show

It’s nearing that time of year again, folks, the Big Kahuna, the Shot Heard ‘Round the World, the Thrillah In…Los Angeles.  Superbowl LVI, which will take place between two football teams of mostly bulky men and their muscle spasms.

For an amazing treat, the halftime announcement has been received like fine wine spilling out of a hundred dollar whore’s mouth : Eminem, Mary K. Blige, Snoop Dogg E. Dogg, and the holographic star of the future Phil Collins Remembrance Show, Phil Kollinz.  Also, Kendrick something.

The halftime exravaganza promises good, clean, musical entertainment without any funny business, as previously viewed.  There will be no “wardrobe malfunctions”, no “Lady Ga Ga” bumbling above the stage like a drunken pterodactyl, and no sign of the Red Hot Chili Peppers half naked and throwing unwanted T-shirts at their last four remaining fans.  That one hasn’t happened yet, but give it a year.

Guess what is happening though?  Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi will be starting off the festivities with a speech dedicated to Black Lives Matter.  That’s right.  Investigative reporter and potato farmer Joe Barron tells the quick tale of a grandma and the nation’s most popular sport.

“Pelosi is a huge fan of football.  Her favorite team is the Oakland Raiders, who haven’t won a Superbowl since 1984, back when Steve Perry decided leaving the most popular band in the world to get his only hit ‘Oh Sherrie’ was a great idea.  How’s that love holding on now, Steve?”

“At any rate, she’s planning to talk up the next couple of Marvel movies, tell a couple of Trump jokes, and perform a quick hula hoop routine.  I’ve seen it.  You guys may all want to go get some beer and snacks about then.”

That’s it.  That’s the article.  See all you good folks at Trollapalooza.  By the time you read this, my beautiful assistant and I will be on a plane or there already.  Let’s all party!