In a shocking development that has absolutely no basis in reality, former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi has unveiled a list of 16 Democrats whom she claims will—yes, WILL—end up in jail for treason. The list, conveniently written in crayon and allegedly dictated to her by a bald eagle in a dream, contains names of top political figures, with Bondi assuring Fox News viewers that these individuals have committed “heinous acts against America”—or at the very least, mildly annoyed a Trump supporter at a Cracker Barrel.

Among the most notorious names on this list is Joe Barron, a completely unknown but apparently extremely dangerous Democratic operative. According to Bondi, Barron has been engaged in a web of deceit so intricate that even a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie writer couldn’t have dreamt it up.

Joe Barron’s Crimes Against America

Bondi insists that Barron’s offenses include, but are not limited to:

  • Sneakily replacing the National Anthem with the theme song from “Friends” at various sporting events.
  • Using taxpayer money to fund a secret government program that replaces all bald eagles with slightly fatter bald eagles.
  • Being seen in public wearing socks with sandals, a clear sign of anti-American sentiment.
  • Hoarding all the good parking spots outside the Capitol, allegedly just to upset hardworking conservative lawmakers.
  • Tampering with the Lincoln Memorial by putting fake AirPods in Lincoln’s ears so he appears to be ignoring tourists.
  • Conspiring with Big Dairy to secretly remove all the “Got Milk?” ads and replace them with “Got Socialism?” billboards.

These shocking accusations have sent right-wing conspiracy forums into a frenzy, with many calling for Barron’s immediate arrest, trial, and exile to California, which they consider the ultimate punishment.

The Other 15 Infamous Names

Bondi’s list includes many familiar faces, all of whom she accuses of everything from “knowing how to use chopsticks” to “owning a Prius.” Among them:

  • Nancy Pelosi – Charged with “overuse of hand gestures,” which Bondi claims is a “classic sign of witchcraft.”
  • Bernie Sanders – Accused of treason for “being too good at crosswords”, thus hoarding valuable brainpower from true patriots.
  • AOC – Allegedly using government funds to “train pigeons to spell out socialist messages in the sky.”
  • Elizabeth Warren – Supposedly hoarding national treasure maps, preventing everyday Americans from their God-given right to go on Nicholas Cage-style adventures.

What Happens Next?

Bondi has assured conservative media outlets that prosecutions are imminent, though when asked to present actual evidence, she simply produced a blurry screenshot of an article from a website called “AmericaTruthEagle.com” and said, “It’s all there if you connect the dots.”

As for Joe Barron? He remains at large—presumably hiding in an underground bunker somewhere, drinking oat milk and watching PBS. America may never be safe again.

Stay tuned for more developments as Pam Bondi continues her brave fight against logic, reason, and basic reality.