Former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi is making headlines once again this week with what she’s calling “a major international breakthrough in the war on fraud.” According to Bondi, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is officially under investigation by a Florida-based grand jury for a decades-old case of consumer fraud… against Columbia House.

Yes, that Columbia House.

According to documents filed in what legal experts are already calling “a strong contender for Dumbest Case of the Century,” Zelensky is accused of taking advantage of the infamous CD subscription company in the late 1990s by ordering 36 CDs for a penny — twice — under two different names. One of those names? “Vlad Z. Rockin’.”

“This isn’t just about CDs,” said Bondi, clearly fired up as she stood next to a giant blown-up picture of Zelensky holding what appears to be a Limp Bizkit album. “This is about character. This is about integrity. This is about whether we can trust a man who thought he could get Jagged Little Pill and Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 2 for less than the price of a gumball.”

The grand jury, which will convene in Tallahassee and consist of twelve retirees, two part-time Cracker Barrel servers, and Joe Barron’s cousin Art Tubolls, will consider the evidence presented by Bondi’s team, including:

  • A photocopy of an expired Blockbuster card from Kiev with the name “Z. Vladislav”
  • Testimony from a former Columbia House intern who swears he saw the order form, “or something like it”
  • A cassette copy of Creed’s Human Clay with “ZELENSKY???” scribbled in Sharpie

“This is airtight,” said Bondi, thumping a folder labeled “Totally Real Proof” in Comic Sans. “We have a pattern of fraud, deception, and an utter disregard for late fees.”

When asked whether any of this fell under U.S. jurisdiction, Bondi laughed and said, “That’s a question for the courts, or possibly Judge Judy.”

According to sources close to the investigation — including a guy who works in the shipping department at a Ukrainian Olive Garden — the CDs were mailed to a PO box in Kyiv that was later traced to an address where a man “who looked like Zelensky but with a mustache” was seen playing air guitar to Barenaked Ladies.

“I don’t know much about international law,” said Florida man and amateur fax historian Joe Barron, “but I know a scam when I see one. Nobody gets 36 CDs for a penny without some sort of dark arts.”

Zelensky’s office has yet to respond to the allegations, but insiders say the Ukrainian president is “extremely confused” and “does not know what a Columbia House is.”

Still, Bondi is undeterred. She says this investigation may be the first step in a broader effort to root out “international CD subscription fraud,” an epidemic she claims has been largely ignored by the mainstream media.

“Where’s CNN?” she asked a crowd in Clearwater, Florida. “Too busy talking about war and famine to cover the real crimes.”

Legal scholars are skeptical. One law professor from the University of Southern Delaware (a school that exists only on paper) told us, “Unless Zelensky personally called the 1-800 number and demanded Enema of the State twice, I don’t see this going anywhere.”

Regardless, Bondi remains committed. She says once Zelensky is brought to justice, she’ll turn her attention to other international subscription scams — including a report that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau once kept three AOL free trial CDs without ever logging on.

This, of course, will be presented to the International Coalition of People Who Still Use Physical Media, chaired by none other than former Trump campaign associate and part-time yard sale DJ, Joe Barron.

God Bless America.