Attorney General Pam Bondi took to the podium this morning to deliver an urgent announcement: the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has completed yet another stunning audit, and the arrests are imminent. “We have evidence of massive fraud, waste, and abuse,” Bondi declared, staring confidently into the camera as if she had actually read the report herself. “And we will prosecute every last one of them.”

The massive crackdown follows months of investigative work by DOGE, which was, of course, launched to ensure taxpayer money is being spent wisely—by making sure it isn’t being spent on anything useful at all. Bondi claimed that her office has identified “dozens” of offenders, all of whom will soon be facing serious consequences for their actions, ranging from fines to potential jail time. She did not name names but did offer a few examples of the crimes being pursued.

Among the most egregious offenses:

  • The “Infinite Stapler” Conspiracy – One government office was found to have purchased 1.3 million staplers over a five-year period, despite employing just 12 people. “That’s more than 100,000 staplers per person,” Bondi noted, pausing to let that terrifying statistic sink in. “And yet, when asked, not a single employee could produce one actual stapler from their desk.”
  • The “Phantom Pigeon Patrol” Scandal – A wildlife preservation agency had been receiving $14 million annually to “monitor and regulate” the pigeon population of Cheyenne, Wyoming—a city that, as DOGE investigators discovered, has never had a single recorded pigeon sighting. “Where did the money go?” Bondi demanded. “To training invisible pigeons? Nobody knows.”
  • The “Underage Entrepreneur” Loans – According to DOGE findings, the Small Business Administration issued $330 million in small business loans to applicants under the age of 11. The youngest recipient was an eight-month-old who secured $100,000 to “expand his brand.” While this raised some questions, DOGE was particularly alarmed to find that the vast majority of these child-run businesses were in the NFT market.
  • The “NASA Weight Loss Program” – Perhaps most baffling of all, DOGE uncovered a $27 million research grant dedicated to “studying the effects of zero gravity on belly fat.” The study, originally approved under the “Let’s Move!” initiative, was supposed to help Americans lose weight by floating around in space for a while. “Michelle Obama’s fingerprints are all over this one,” Bondi hinted darkly.

As for when these arrests will happen, Bondi was clear: “Soon. Very soon.” When pressed for details, she admitted she was waiting on someone named Joe Barron to get back to her with an update.

Meanwhile, critics have pointed out that DOGE’s audit found no fraud in the billions of dollars funneled into defense contracts that produced exactly zero working planes, tanks, or anything that could be remotely useful. But Bondi assured the public that “real” fraud was being addressed—just as soon as she figured out how to turn her office printer back on.

God Bless America.