According to former Florida Attorney General and part-time Mar-a-Lago karaoke host Pam Bondi, Special Counsel Jack Smith’s days of operating “like a deep-state ninja in a Justice Department hoodie” may finally be over. At a press conference held in the Olive Garden parking lot just off I-75, Bondi announced that she has assembled what she calls an “ironclad case” of witness tampering, evidence planting, and “malicious prosecution so aggressive it made Rudy sweat through three hair dyes.”
“I’m not just blowing hot air this time,” said Bondi, adjusting her star-spangled blouse. “We have boxes of documents, three hard drives, and a handwritten note from someone claiming to be Joe Barron, who says he saw Jack Smith replace classified documents at Trump’s golf course with menus from a Red Lobster in Delaware.”
According to Bondi, the “irrefutable evidence” includes blurry surveillance footage, a receipt for a smoke machine, and an invoice for something labeled “Legal Disguise Kit – Deep State Edition.” A source close to the investigation—identified only as Art Tubolls, assistant manager of a nearby Panda Express—claims he overheard two men in suits discussing “where to hide the ketchup bottle labeled ‘Nuclear Secrets.’”
When asked why she was convening a grand jury before formally filing any charges, Bondi replied, “That’s how justice works now. First we go public, then we work backwards. I learned that from CNN.”
Bondi’s legal strategy includes calling on a “diverse panel of witnesses,” which currently consists of one retired mall cop, a woman who says she “feels things,” and a guy from her CrossFit class who claims to have “seen stuff” on Telegram.
Legal experts have voiced skepticism over Bondi’s claims, noting that the Justice Department has already cleared Smith of wrongdoing and that some of the “planted evidence” she references is, in fact, a souvenir map from Disney World. “I’m not saying she’s wrong,” said legal analyst Chet Blanderson, “I’m just saying that accusing the guy prosecuting Trump of planting fake evidence with no proof is a bold move, even for Florida.”
As of press time, Bondi has not filed any formal motion, assembled an actual grand jury, or spoken to anyone at the Department of Justice. “We’re doing this the old-fashioned American way,” she told reporters. “Trial by media, followed by a long string of fundraising emails and eventually some merch.”
While Bondi awaits her imaginary day in court, Jack Smith reportedly declined to comment, though sources claim he was last seen at a D.C. Starbucks laughing into a croissant.
God Bless America.
