Attorney General Pam Bondi isn’t playing around anymore. In a surprise announcement made while holding a Chihuahua and sipping Diet Coke from a MAGA-branded thermos, Bondi declared that she’s opening not one, not two, but seven official investigations into fraud by members of Congress. Why seven? “Because it’s a lucky number,” she told reporters. “And because Elon said that’s how many it would take to shake these clowns out of their taxpayer hammocks.”
The investigations stem from recent reports by the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, run entirely by Elon Musk, two interns from SpaceX, and a vending machine that hasn’t worked properly since 2022. According to DOGE, billions—okay, probably just millions, but it sounds better—have been siphoned from federal accounts to fund things like “office succulents,” “soul-searching retreats,” and a subscription box called “Snacks of the World.”
“Elon’s people found receipts,” Bondi said dramatically, holding up a napkin with something scribbled in purple Sharpie. “One said ‘brunch with lobbyist—$14,237.’ I don’t know what kind of toast costs that much, but we’re gonna find out.”
The charges include things like misusing government vehicles for spin class, billing taxpayers for “emotional support interns,” and spending hundreds of thousands in “research funds” to figure out if dogs dream in color. One senator reportedly spent $18,000 on motivational posters featuring eagles and outdated fonts. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” Bondi said, reading one aloud. “Unless you’re a congressman, in which case you just take them anyway.”
Bondi’s task force, code-named Operation Gavel Drop, is made up of retired mall cops, an ex-BuzzFeed quiz writer, and one guy who swears he can smell corruption. That guy, Joe Barron, now serves as the official spokesperson. “This is real,” said Barron, who once arrested a mannequin for loitering. “We’ve got leads. We’ve got vibes. And we’ve got a whiteboard with a bunch of yarn on it. Stuff’s about to go down.”
One of the seven investigations is focused solely on what DOGE calls “fraud adjacent behavior,” which includes thinking about fraud, humming near fraud, or saying “allegedly” too often in budget meetings. Another probe is targeting a group of lawmakers who allegedly formed a secret book club and funneled government money into leather-bound copies of Fifty Shades of Gravy, which may or may not be a typo.
Bondi made it clear this is just the beginning. “This government is bloated, broken, and corrupt,” she said. “And we’re gonna slap some Flex Seal on it and call it justice.”
At press time, DOGE confirmed that at least two of the investigations are based on evidence provided by a barber in Arlington, a mail carrier named Art Tubolls, and a fortune cookie that said, “You will discover deception in high places.”
God Bless America.
