In a stunning display of legal expertise that no one knew she had, former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi has announced an “official probe” into Special Counsel Jack Smith’s prosecutorial misconduct, a move that has legal scholars across the country frantically Googling whether she even has the authority to do that.
Bondi, known primarily for appearing on television to defend Donald Trump and somehow always looking like she just walked out of a wind tunnel, declared that she and a team of highly skilled, extremely serious investigators will be digging into Smith’s alleged abuses of power in his prosecution of the former president. What those abuses are, exactly? Don’t worry about it.
Bondi Takes Charge
Standing in front of an official-looking podium (likely borrowed from a Mar-a-Lago storage closet), Bondi explained that her team—which is rumored to include Joe Barron, Art Tubolls, and an AI chatbot programmed to say “witch hunt” every 30 seconds—will be holding “those who weaponize the justice system accountable.”
What does that mean? Again, not important. What matters is that Bondi, a legal mastermind whose credentials include once agreeing to drop an investigation into Trump’s shady business dealings after receiving a $25,000 donation, will now be personally overseeing a deep dive into one of the most accomplished prosecutors in the country.
What “Misconduct” Did Jack Smith Commit?
According to Bondi, Smith is guilty of the most egregious crime imaginable: prosecuting Donald Trump.
“This man is clearly out of control,” Bondi stated. “He’s using the law, which is a radical leftist strategy, to go after a man who simply exercised his right to ignore it.”
When asked for specific evidence of misconduct, Bondi flipped through a stack of blank papers, sighed dramatically, and then repeated the words “Soros-funded deep state operative” until the questioner left the room.
Legal Experts Weigh In
Naturally, actual legal experts were quick to point out a few tiny flaws in Bondi’s plan, such as:
- She does not currently hold any government position.
- She has no jurisdiction over a Special Counsel appointed by the Department of Justice.
- Her legal arguments so far have included a PowerPoint slide titled “LOCK HIM UP” and a meme of Trump riding a bald eagle.
Despite these concerns, Bondi remains confident that her “probe” will result in serious consequences for Smith, or at the very least, a few more prime-time guest spots on Fox News.
What Happens Next?
At press time, Bondi was reportedly putting the finishing touches on her first subpoena, which consisted of a strongly worded letter written in Comic Sans and sealed with a Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin.
Meanwhile, Jack Smith was seen continuing to do his actual job, which, according to Bondi, “only proves he has something to hide.”
God Bless America.
