We’ve sat by and watched as liberal cancel culture has done it’s level best to do away with the best works of Dr. Suess, our confederate heroes, and the sacred Mr. Potato Head, who is now tragically sexless. Like Adrian Brody.
“One time I porked a sasquatch, but it’s okay because my husband got a bunch of sexy foot molds out of it.”
Now, the scythe of political correctness swings wide once again, as bookselling juggernaut Amazon has removed author Micheal Bond’s beloved Paddington Bear children’s series after outcry over several volumes they say contains : “offensive and racist material.”
The controversy started after an article by pundit Joe Barron in the left-leaning magazine The Queefing Snowflake Quarterly, in which Barron, formerly a Benghazi expert with the Obama administration, describes the verboten material to be censored.
“There is an early work called ‘Paddington Goes to a German Party’, in which the titular bear travels to Berlin and discovers a new group of friends participating in a fecal orgy.
Following that was ‘Paddington Goes Polar’, where he paints his fur white in order to join a country club, eat at a Chic-fil-A, and pass by a police officer unharmed. Finally, we have objections to ‘Paddington and the Stank Hoes’, where we’re asked to follow the brutish animal as he learns to keep his pimp hand strong while tending to his stable of New Jersey prostitutes.
These all are sickening. Like watching Lindsey Graham eat tapioca pudding.”
There’s also “Paddington Finds Ted Cruz’s Hydraulic Nipple Masher”, which is actually somewhat beautiful.
Amazon agrees with the recommendations, and strongly confirmed through spokespeople that they do not condone the subjects covered being sold to children. However, one conservative celebrity disagreed with the decision, unused penis enthusiast Kirk Cameron.
“These are subjects that are going to keep coming up in our sinful world with a President like Joe Biden anyway. It’s not right to shield them with censorship unless it’s about sex or anything that isn’t Jesus Christ. I only kiss my wife on the mouth after I’ve chewed her food for her. It’s what the Lord decrees.”
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
