What a story, patriots. Oprah Winfrey, the richest woman in the world, owns a child slave labor factory in Malaysia.

That’s the report we heard from our DoorDash guy, Harold. He said that he heard it from his DoorDash girl, Helen. Since it was dually-confirmed, we looked into it.

While it seems that it never actually happened, we thought it would still be prudent to point out why. If that’s possible.

Since that’s not possible, we figured we’d do our best to make some stuff up. As always, it won’t be what the common Geriatritatoeâ„¢ expects. Which doesn’t matter since they all clicked a shiny ad after the first sentence.

In our version of events, which is the only version, as it turns out, Oprah definitely does own a factory in Malaysia. The difference is, our story says she bought it because it was a slave labor factory to free all the children. They’re now all partial owners of the company and some of the wealthiest people in the entire country.

Please don’t fact-check if Malaysia is a country or a place inside a country, because we don’t actually care.

This was fun. As always, patriots, God bless you. And God Bless America.