In what experts are calling “the boldest financial heist since Congress voted itself another raise”, reports have surfaced that Oprah Winfrey collected a whopping $35 million from FEMA after the Maui wildfires—despite the fact that her multi-million-dollar estate wasn’t touched by so much as a warm breeze.

According to official documents that were immediately shredded after being briefly glanced at, FEMA approved Oprah’s claim under an obscure clause titled “Emotional Damages for the Incredibly Wealthy.”

“It Was Absolutely Traumatizing”

Sources close to Winfrey say that while her estate remained perfectly intact, she suffered deep psychological scars from the experience.

“Oprah had to watch the disaster unfold from the comfort of her 50-acre estate with uninterrupted Wi-Fi and butlers who had to work overtime to bring her chamomile tea,” said a Maui local who once delivered Uber Eats to a security guard at the property. “Can you imagine the horror?”

Oprah herself described the ordeal as “the most distressing experience since she had to tell Tom Cruise to stop jumping on her couch.”

“I looked out over my perfectly manicured gardens and thought, ‘This is awful,’” she reportedly said, sipping freshly imported artisanal water from a golden goblet. “No one should have to suffer like this.”

To make matters worse, the smell of smoke allegedly lingered in the air near her property for several days, causing her to cancel an outdoor yoga session and move it indoors.

FEMA Officials: “It Was the Least We Could Do”

While thousands of displaced Maui residents waited in line for basic relief aid, Oprah’s multi-million-dollar reimbursement was reportedly fast-tracked by a mysterious FEMA official named “Art Tubolls” who no one can actually confirm exists.

“We just felt that Oprah needed this money more than the small business owners who lost everything,” a FEMA representative explained while stuffing a duffel bag into the trunk of a black SUV. “Besides, she promised to think about maybe possibly considering donating some of it back.”

Oprah’s Generous Contribution… to Herself

In a heartwarming gesture of philanthropy, Oprah has since announced a $10 million donation to Maui relief efforts—a sum that, coincidentally, will be funded entirely by FEMA.

“This is what compassion looks like,” said an official press release from Oprah’s public relations team, which consists of sixteen employees and one golden retriever.

When asked whether she would return the remaining $25 million, Oprah reportedly vanished in a puff of lavender-scented smoke, leaving behind only a stack of signed book club recommendations.

Meanwhile, FEMA has reassured the public that it is working tirelessly to ensure fairness and accountability in future aid distribution—right after it finishes writing another check to Jeff Bezos for “Amazon’s thoughts and prayers.”

God Bless America.