Oprah Winfrey, the billionaire media mogul and part-time “soul whisperer,” is making headlines again after an alarming new report claimed she is now the largest landowner in North Carolina. That’s right — from the mountains to the coast, from the BBQ pits of Lexington to the hemp farms of Asheville, it’s now all allegedly under Oprah’s watchful, benevolent gaze.
According to sources with access to very official-looking paperwork printed at a Staples in Durham, Oprah began quietly buying up plots of land shortly after President Trump reduced FEMA aid to certain “blue areas” of the state. Some say it was a power move. Others believe she’s preparing to open a 100,000-acre “emotional healing ranch” where traumatized liberals can go to hug goats and learn about self-actualization from laminated vision boards.
The largest of her new holdings, according to a guy named Art Tubolls who runs a food truck near Raleigh, includes four counties, seventeen Cracker Barrels, and a part of I-40. “She’s got people out here making offers on strip malls and car washes like she’s building her own Oprah-topia,” Tubolls told us while preparing a deep-fried Impossible Burger.
Real estate data confirms that land sales have surged across the state, though no official link to Oprah has been established. That hasn’t stopped speculation from exploding. Joe Barron, an Uber driver and part-time amateur drone operator, says he flew his quadcopter over a large estate near Boone and saw what he swears was a giant gold “O” carved into the landscape. “She’s either setting up a new compound or building an alphabet-themed amusement park,” said Barron, who once sold a screenplay about squirrels to a Canadian production company.
Residents in the affected areas report seeing trucks with California plates, contractors laying fiber-optic cable “suspiciously fast,” and a woman who looked a lot like Gayle King yelling at a landscaper about the placement of a koi pond. “This is just like Maui,” one man shouted at a town hall meeting. “She starts with a garden and ends with a private weather system!”
That, of course, refers to the now-infamous Maui Megabuy theory that claims Oprah bought up charred land after last year’s wildfires to build a wellness retreat for Illuminati members and Tom Hanks. The story, which went viral on social media, turned out to originate from a Facebook page called “Patriot Otter’s Unfiltered Truth.”
In a strange twist, the Oprah-North Carolina story appears to have come from that same page, which now describes itself as “Christian satire for the discerning American.” Still, that hasn’t stopped several reputable-sounding YouTube channels from declaring the rumor “basically confirmed” and citing “the frequency of vibrations in Asheville” as evidence.
So, is Oprah now the Queen of North Carolina? Probably not. But in the age of Facebook memes and random drone sightings, reality is mostly just a suggestion.
God Bless America.
