When the Biden Administration approved a $300 million USAID grant to Oprah Winfrey’s “Coats for Kids” initiative, Americans rejoiced. Finally, someone was going to do something about all the shivering toddlers out there — freezing in the streets while activists in Washington debated pronouns.

But now, nearly six months later, the numbers don’t quite add up.

According to a preliminary report from DOGE, the Department of Governmental Examination, only 123 coats have been purchased. That puts the cost of each coat at just under $2.44 million apiece. For those wondering, that’s roughly the cost of having George Clooney personally knit you a sweater from the hairs of a golden alpaca raised in zero gravity.

DOGE Spokesperson Joe Barron says the issue isn’t necessarily fraud — just creative accounting. “Look, Oprah’s people submitted a receipt for a 2018 Bugatti labeled ‘field equipment.’ That’s either a typo or they’re planning to distribute coats one child at a time at 220 miles per hour.”

The spending breakdown includes:

  • $4.2 million for coat storage at a temperature-controlled warehouse in Napa.
  • $1.8 million to commission an original coat-themed song by Lady Gaga.
  • $900,000 for a Netflix documentary titled Wrapped in Hope that hasn’t been filmed.
  • And $70 million on “inclusivity consultants” to ensure the coats didn’t offend anyone who identifies as lukewarm.

“We can’t just be giving regular coats to regular kids,” said Dr. Art Tubolls, Cultural Sensitivity Czar for the program. “Every coat has to be reviewed by a team of intersectional textile experts to ensure it meets DEI warmth standards. We also considered a scent consultant, but it turns out children don’t like coats that smell like vegan cheese.”

Oprah herself released a statement saying that while only 123 coats have been distributed, “millions of lives have been touched emotionally by the idea of those coats.” The statement was printed on ethically sourced gold leaf and delivered to reporters via certified falcon.

When asked whether the coats were at least made of high-end materials, a former volunteer who asked to remain anonymous said, “No. They’re polyester. I’m pretty sure we got them from a liquidation sale at Burlington.”

The truth behind this whole story?

It came from a comment thread on Facebook. Under a picture of Oprah shaking hands with someone in a Patagonia jacket, a user named PatriotDad1776 wrote: “Bet she got 300 mil from Biden to buy three coats. Sounds about right.”

Naturally, it must be true. It was shared 41,000 times and even ended up on a meme with a crying bald eagle. So we ran with it.

God Bless America.