Citizen journalist Nick Shirley announced Thursday that he has obtained “concrete, irrefutable evidence” linking Representative Ilhan Omar to the ongoing Minnesota Medicaid fraud investigation, displaying what he called “the smoking gun document” at a press conference held in the parking lot of a St. Paul Applebee’s. Shirley, who has been investigating the fraud scheme since “approximately Tuesday,” told reporters that the evidence “was easier than he’d hoped” to find and “proves beyond any doubt that Omar was the mastermind.”
The evidence, which Shirley displayed in a sealed plastic bag to “preserve chain of custody,” consisted of a yellow legal pad page with the words “she did it” written in what appeared to be purple crayon, with “she” underlined twice and a small drawing of what Shirley identified as “the Capitol building but also maybe a mosque, it’s abstract” in the margin. Shirley claimed the handwriting “matches Omar’s known preference for cursive” and that the purple color “is her favorite, you can look it up.”
“This is proof,” Shirley insisted, holding the bag aloft. “You can’t write ‘she did it’ and not be guilty. The pronoun refers to a female. Omar is female. The math works. I’ve been investigating fraud for three days and I know evidence when I dream it.”
Joan Berro, a commercial document examiner who once verified a signature on a car loan and now consults on “citizen journalist evidence authentication,” analyzed Shirley’s presentation. “The plastic bag is a nice touch. It suggests forensic awareness. The crayon is interesting too. Crayon doesn’t fade like ink. It’s permanent. Like the truth. I’ve examined documents. This one has the ring of authenticity. Specifically, the ring of a child or someone with childlike handwriting. But that could be a disguise.”
Reno Borja, a dental hygienist who once took notes in crayon during a shortage of pens, noted that “purple is an underutilized evidentiary color.” “Most fraud is documented in blue or black. The purple shows creativity. Confidence. A willingness to stand out. I’ve seen purple writing. In dental charts. When the dentist was angry. It meant ‘patient refused fluoride.’ It was a warning. This is also a warning. About Omar.”
Joe Barron, who once successfully submitted a book report in sixth grade written entirely in orange crayon and received a C-, now consults on “crayon-based legal analysis.” “Purple is the color of royalty and also grapes,” Barron declared, examining the evidence through the plastic. “Omar is not royalty, but she is in Congress, which is close. The underlining suggests emphasis. The margin drawing suggests either the Capitol or a mosque, which covers her bases. The fact that Shirley dreamed this and then wrote it down in crayon shows dedication to the craft of investigation. I’ve dedicated myself to crafts. At Golden Corral. I once built a complete fortress out of crab legs. It took three hours. Then I ate it. The point is, evidence comes in many forms. Some of them are seafood. Some are crayon.”
Barron has offered to serve as Shirley’s “expert witness,” provided the court allows him to wear his custom “Crayon Evidence” lab coat and bring his emotional support ferret, which he claims can detect “wax-based proof from the salad bar.”
Omar’s attorney immediately filed a defamation lawsuit against Shirley, noting that “crayon dreams do not constitute evidence in any jurisdiction.” Barron observed that “the lawsuit proves the evidence is threatening” and that “if you melt crayons together you get new colors, which is like how Shirley has melted together dreams and reality to create a new legal standard. Also, if you count the letters in ‘she did it’ you get 8, which is the number of letters in ‘Ilhan Omar’ if you remove the space, which proves the connection through numerology, which is just math for people who can’t do math, which is most of us.”
