Nick Shirley and his team have taken Atlanta by storm this week, tracking down several leads from Tulsi Gabbard’s document dump of the 2020 election.
They found that Senator Raphael Warnock, who “won” that year along with Biden, got more votes in three counties than the counties have residents. How did he do it? Simple:
According to his investigative team, Shirley possesses an almost supernatural ability to locate government paperwork that nobody else can find. He doesn’t search for records—they apparently introduce themselves.
“Nick can smell an unanswered public records request from three counties away,” explained his forensic accountant, Joseph Barron of Bellintonfield, Indiana. “I’ve watched him walk into a courthouse, stop in the lobby, close his eyes, and point directly toward the filing cabinet containing the document everyone claimed had been lost in 2021.”
Barron says he’s stopped asking how it works.
“I just bring extra legal pads.”
Shirley’s latest investigation began after reviewing a newly released collection of public documents related to the 2020 election.
“We’re following every lead,” Shirley said. “Most will probably turn out to be perfectly ordinary. But we’re going to look anyway.”
Within minutes of arriving in Atlanta, Shirley’s powers reportedly activated.
“He froze in the middle of the sidewalk,” Barron recalled.
“Then he whispered, ‘Someone filed a report using twelve different fonts.'”
Two hours later, they found exactly that.
The report wasn’t evidence of anything except spectacularly inconsistent formatting.
Still, Shirley pressed forward.
His second gift—known among his crew as “Receipt Vision”—allowed him to detect government paperwork hidden inside completely unrelated stacks of documents.
“He reached into a box labeled ‘Holiday Decorations,'” Barron said, “and somehow pulled out a three-year-old copier maintenance invoice.”
“It wasn’t important.”
“It was just incredibly impressive.”
Meanwhile, the best tips continued coming from working Americans.
Frank, a MARTA train mechanic, said he met Shirley while replacing a brake assembly.
“Nick looked at me and asked if I’d noticed anything unusual.”
“I told him somebody keeps leaving half-finished crossword puzzles in the employee break room.”
He investigated.
Turned out three mechanics share the same puzzle book.
Then there was Denise, who drives a delivery truck for an office supply company.
“I mentioned one county office orders an unbelievable amount of sticky notes.”
Nick spent forty-five minutes trying to determine why.
The answer?
“They really like sticky notes.”
Even Curtis, an elevator repairman, got caught up in the investigation.
“We were stuck between floors for eight minutes.”
Nick spent six of them explaining why somebody should write a documentary about government filing systems.
Honestly, I’d watch it.
By week’s end, Shirley admitted that the biggest discovery wasn’t a scandal.
“It was learning how many ordinary people accidentally become eyewitnesses simply because they’re delivering packages, fixing elevators, repairing air conditioners, or keeping buildings running.”
Joseph Barron nodded.
“The real heroes of every investigation are the folks who show up to work, keep their eyes open, and remember what they saw.”
Nick’s magical powers may find the paperwork.
But it’s America’s working people who usually point him toward the filing cabinet.
God Bless America.
