In what some are calling the most shocking political revelation since Joe Biden forgot where he parked the Air Force One golf cart, new “evidence” has emerged that proves—without a shadow of a manufactured doubt—that Hillary Clinton knew about the tragic events in Benghazi at least three full weeks before they occurred.
That’s right. According to a crumpled receipt found behind a Wendy’s dumpster in Loudoun County, Clinton not only knew about the 2012 Benghazi attacks in advance, she allegedly penciled them in on her weekly planner, right between “Brunch with Soros” and “Make Benghazi Happen.”
The receipt, uncovered by amateur investigator Art Tubolls, a part-time vape store assistant manager and full-time truth enthusiast, is dated August 20, 2012, and contains what he says is “irrefutable proof” of the premonition. “Right there in cursive,” said Tubolls, pointing to what appears to be the phrase ‘get Libya under control – maybe with fireworks?’ scribbled in pink ink. “That’s her handwriting. I’ve seen it on a commemorative 1996 Clinton campaign Pez dispenser. I know what I’m talking about.”
Tubolls reportedly passed the document to Joe Barron, a self-appointed forensic historian who specializes in examining suspicious documents under blacklight while listening to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA.” Barron confirmed its authenticity using a proprietary system he calls “Sniff and Squint,” which, according to him, “hasn’t failed since the Denny’s napkin that exposed Pelosi’s 2017 pancake bill.”
Further corroborating the timeline, a retired airport shuttle driver named Larry claims he once gave a ride to a guy who said his cousin’s girlfriend’s uncle used to mow the lawn at the Clinton Foundation. “He told me, plain as day,” Larry explained, “that Hillary was buying fireworks in bulk back in July, and laughing about how ‘no one will see this coming.’”
The mainstream media, of course, has refused to cover the story, likely due to a complex web of fear, bribes, and contracts with Spotify. When asked for comment, the Clinton camp responded with the same line they’ve used since 1992: “What difference, at this point, does it make?”
The difference, of course, is that now it’s written on the internet, which means it must be true. And while some skeptics continue to ask for “evidence” and “logic,” real Americans know when something feels right in their gut—which is why 41% of survey respondents in a gas station bathroom said they “absolutely believe Hillary Clinton might be able to see the future if she concentrates hard enough.”
At press time, Clinton was seen in a heavily pixelated photo exiting a CVS with a purchase that may or may not have been a fresh pack of red pens, a Ouija board, and a copy of Time Travel for Dummies.
God Bless America.
