In what is being called “the most explosive investigative report since someone on Facebook claimed they saw Elvis at a Waffle House,” self-proclaimed investigative journalist Joe Barron has uncovered shocking evidence that nearly $300 million in USAID to Ukraine was funneled through Biden family shell companies.
However, a closer look at Barron’s investigation reveals that his sources are questionable, his evidence is mostly napkin doodles, and his primary witness may or may not be a guy he met at a gas station.
The Investigation That Changed Everything (Or Nothing At All)
Barron, who describes himself as a “Pulitzer-adjacent journalist and part-time treasure hunter,” began his investigation after overhearing two men whispering about “Biden” and “money” at a Denny’s in rural Kentucky.
“I knew right away that something shady was going on,” Barron explained. “So I ordered more coffee, took out my notebook, and wrote down everything I thought I heard. That’s just good journalism.”
According to Barron, USAID funds intended for humanitarian aid, infrastructure, and possibly a really big Ukrainian flag were secretly rerouted through a series of shadowy shell companies allegedly linked to the Biden family.
Among the “companies” Barron claims were involved:
- Hunter & Sons Discount Laptop Repairs, LLC
- Big Guy Holdings, Inc.
- Cornpop International
- Joe’s Ice Cream Fund, Ltd.
“These companies don’t appear in any official records, probably because they’re so secret,” Barron explained. “But if you look at this napkin, I wrote them all down myself, which I think proves something.”
The Evidence? Well… That’s Tricky
When asked to provide hard evidence, Barron pointed to a collection of printed-out tweets, a blurry photo of a man who kind of looks like Joe Biden, and a bank statement he found in a public trash can.
“This document right here? It proves millions were transferred,” Barron said, holding up what was later identified as a Chuck E. Cheese arcade receipt.
His main source? A mysterious whistleblower known only as “Deep Fried,” who refuses to reveal his identity but claims he once saw Hunter Biden in a McDonald’s drive-thru.
“I can’t say much,” Deep Fried reportedly whispered into a burner phone. “But let’s just say… they always order extra fries.”
The Fallout
Despite the investigation’s total lack of verifiable facts, it has already gained traction in certain corners of the internet, particularly among Facebook groups with names like “Real Patriots Against Reality” and “People Who Just Know Things.”
The White House, for its part, has declined to comment, mostly because nobody actually asked them before running the story.
Meanwhile, Barron is already moving on to his next big investigation: uncovering whether the moon is secretly laundering money for George Soros.
God Bless America.