For years, if not decades, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has been able to get away with flouting the law.
Until, so it appears, now.
In a massive and apparently ironclad 13 page indictment unsealed in Federal Court by the Assistant US Attorney in San Francisco, Mrs. Pelosi stands accused of a litany of charges ranging from fraud to money laundering, tax evasion and theft by deception.
In addition, she is being sued in civil court for matters directly related to the indictment.
According to Federal sentencing guidelines, Mrs. Pelosi is facing ten to fifteen years in Federal prison should she be found guilty of even a portion of the charges against her.
As one of the richest members of congress, hard working patriotic Americans have often wondered how she could have become so rich while essentially doing nothing in congress. While her annual salary of $223,500 is well over four times as much as the average American makes, it still does not explain how she got so rich.
Thanks to the unsealed indictment we now know at least in part where her money came from.
Before we delve into the sordid details, let the reader be forewarned that they are outright bizarre in nature. Even a writer of satire would be hard pressed to make up something this outlandish.
The indictment states that shortly after President Trump took office in January of 2017 someone with the pseudonym “Melania’s Maid” opened an account on the popular adult website Onlyfans.com. The website allows users to sell or promote adult products, as well as post and sell images and films of an adult nature starring themselves.
“Melanias’s Maid” stated on her profile, which also featured nude photographs of Melania Trump from her old modeling days, that as her maid she had access to the first lady’s unmentionables, which she always only wears once and then discards.
The used underwear ostensibly belonging to the first lady was then put up for sale on the site, with prices ranging from $1,000 to $10,000, depending on how heavily soiled they were with lady juices. Prized crotchless collector specimens were going for upwards of $25,000.
Given that the first lady reportedly changes her underwear several times a day, it is not difficult to imagine how much money the scheme made over the course of almost four years. It was very likely in the millions or tens of millions, according to the indictment.
The scheme unraveled a few months ago when an astute customer noticed that the size didn’t seem to be quite right. The customer, who we contacted via his Onlyfans account “BJ11DowningSt” that was listed in the indictment, told us, “Blimey, the moment I set me eyes on them knickers I thought to meself there’s no way Melania’s arse is that big. It was a bloody scam n’all. She got me for over two thousand quid!”
BJ11DowningSt, who apparently has some very high contacts in the US government, notified the FBI who then began their investigation.
After serving warrants to determine the identity of the person behind the “Melania’s Maid” account, investigators were quickly able to link the Paypal account used by “Melania’s Maid” to a credit card number issued to Nancy Pelosi. From there it was established via DNA analysis of recovered underwear that Mrs. Pelosi was, in fact, selling her own used underwear and passing it off as that of the first lady’s.
The indictment lists numerous other Onlyfans accounts that were bilked by the scheme, including “FirstLadyLindsayG“, “DONJRMAGA2020”, “HungLoHannity” and “JudgeJP”.
In addition to the indictments, Mrs. Pelosi is being sued by GQ Magazine and other media outlets who’s pictures she pirated for her fraudulent scheme.