In a shocking turn of events for Representative Nancy Pelosi, she has lost her race for Speaker of the House. The humiliating loss was a complete surprise, as was the actual winner — Ilhan Omar of Minnesota.
Former Speaker Pelosi started her day as usual — with a schooner of vodka and a splash of orange juice, “for color and Vitamin C” as she likes to say — and headed to Congress for what she thought would be her reelection as Speaker of the House.
But those hopes were dashed when dozens of Democrats stood up, turned their backs to her, raised their middle fingers, and told Nancy to take a hike. Along with all Republicans, this majority shocked the political establishment.
After saying a resounding NO to Pelosi, House Democrats then put the Speaker’s Sorting Hat on the turbaned head of Ilhan Omar, indicating that she had ascended to the most powerful position in the House of Representatives.
“I’m truly humbled and honored to have won this prestigious honor. My first order of business will be to require all members to re-take their oaths of office — this time on the Koran. Because that won’t make anyone mad or triggered at all,” Speaker Omar said to the press immediately after she personally burned every Bible in the House chambers to cleanse the space of all that negative, Christian energy.
Pelosi stumbled out of Congress and into her waiting car, which had been downgraded to a used Ford Fusion following her removal from the Speakership. She was seen crying and swigging yet more vodka directly from the bottle, not even bothering to hide it in a tasteful, organic, recycled brown paper bag.
Pelosi’s longtime aide, Sandy Batt, stepped between reporters and Pelosi and shielded her from the cameras. “Ms. Pelosi is a formidable person, and she’ll get past this horrible time with love from her family, support from her constituents, and daily deliveries from Tito’s.”
Good luck, Speaker Omar. Inshallah.
