In what legal scholars are calling “both historic and possibly made up,” over 600 federal judges have reportedly signed a secret petition to impeach Chief Justice John Roberts. The petition, which no one has actually seen but everyone seems to be talking about, allegedly began circulating last week after Roberts was spotted leaving a D.C. steakhouse without tipping his valet.

According to at least three people standing in line at a Jiffy Lube in Roanoke, Virginia, the movement started when an administrative law judge in Fresno sent a group text to other judges with the message, “We should really do something about John. He’s wearing capes again.”

The idea snowballed from there, according to Beverly, a woman who sells overripe bananas from a folding table outside a CVS in Des Moines. “My cousin’s friend is married to a guy who clerks for a judge who signed the thing,” she told reporters. “They’re mad about the robes, the gavel slamming, and the whole ‘talking in riddles’ thing.”

DOGE, the federal watchdog agency currently under the direction of Elon Musk, confirmed that it received “an unusually long fax” titled “Operation Roberts Removal” but declined to say whether any signatures were verified. A spokesperson for DOGE, Art Tubolls, noted that 73 of the names on the document matched known aliases used by Roberts himself when ordering wine online.

“We believe he may have signed the petition to impeach himself multiple times using names like ‘Joey R. Baron’ and ‘Not John,’” said Tubolls. “That’s either self-awareness or a cry for help.”

The petition reportedly accuses Roberts of a range of offenses, including:

  • Overusing the phrase “I concur, but dissent from my own concurring opinion.”
  • Judging figure skating under the table during the Olympics.
  • Using the Supreme Court printer to make menus for his fantasy tapas restaurant, Gavel & Garlic.

One claim suggests Roberts once tried to push through a ruling entirely in Pig Latin just to see if Clarence Thomas was paying attention. He was not.

The only person willing to go on record about the petition was a food court massage kiosk employee named Joe Barron, who said he overheard the entire plan from a pair of federal clerks getting express neck rubs on their lunch break. “They said it’s gonna be bigger than Watergate,” Barron whispered. “Also they were very tense in the shoulders.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren responded to the news by tweeting, “We must hold judicial elites accountable,” followed by a thread of 42 gifs of Ruth Bader Ginsburg blinking. Meanwhile, Senate Republicans dismissed the report as “the fever dream of a liberal yoga collective.”

Chief Justice Roberts himself has remained silent, though he was spotted earlier today exiting the Supreme Court basement with a duffel bag and what witnesses described as “a slightly haunted expression.” Witnesses in this case include a barista from the Starbucks across the street and a guy named Dwight who delivers office water jugs and “just has a feeling about these things.”

As of press time, no federal database confirms that any such petition exists. But that hasn’t stopped it from being cited on four podcasts, seventeen YouTube rants, and a handwritten pamphlet being passed around at Cracker Barrel gift shops in North Carolina.

Legal analysts say the number “600” seems suspiciously high, given that the entire federal bench only has about 870 judges total — and several of the names on the list were just the words “Judge Judy” written in different fonts.

Still, the story’s out there now.

And if there’s one thing we’ve learned in 2025, it’s that it doesn’t matter what’s true. What matters is how many people on Facebook already believe it and whether Joe Barron can get WiFi at the food court again.

God Bless America.