It’s been a closely followed news story that the state of Arizona has engaged in a “forensic audit” of the ballot and voting procedures that took place in the 2020 election. Although many accuse the all-Republican effort of being a “childish dead-horse-beating attempt by morons to pretend there was voter fraud to salve Trumptard butthurt”*, officials maintain that the process is simply an effort to assure voting integrity.
* Fallis Gunnington
Despite revealing absolutely nothing untoward and succeeding only in creating more YouTube videos of pasty egg-eyed 60-year old virgins cackling about bamboo and possibly infiltration of computer systems by arch Avengers villain Ultron, Arizona’s collection of the finest detective minds since Mr. Magoo have discovered precisely bupkiss.
“Turn that ballot right there around. Yeah. Yeah, that’s Jew Space Paper, is what that is.”
But they’re not alone. This week, seven other states have announced the beginnings of their own “election audits” in a press-release sent to major media outlets. Notably, two states involved, Alabama and Kentucky, both misspelled 98% of the words in the documents, which described intentions to “aw dit erection mashines.”
Journalist Sandy Batt gave her take on the announcement while gagging over the terrible writing in recent episodes of literally every DC comics show on the CW network.
“It’s not a list of any States that would surprise you at all. You know, there’s Florida, where elderly trumpfungi drive golf carts to Wal-Mart and buy peanuts from bait stores. Also, Georgia, where they don’t want black people voting but don’t actually SAY that, because ‘suth-uhn hospitality.”
“Let’s see. Arkansas, Louisiana, and of course, Mississippi. It’s not a real party until the three inbred one-eyed families that control all the muddin’ south of Jacksonville can get together for a good ol’ fashioned week of pumpkin raping. Go Jags! But boycott the NFL!”
“We don’t take a knee, we give ’em hepatitis C!”
The audits are scheduled to begin at different times in each state, and have thus far reached only the first stages, “where are the ON buttons for these contraptions?” But legions of mentally en-poopified Trump supporters are bent on standing with stupid.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
