Biden Raises the Salaries of Congress

Are you short on the green cheddar nowadays?  Of course you are.  You live in Joe Biden’s America, where kids want $15 an hour to flip burgers and gas costs are going through the roof.

You could always become a Congressman.  That’s right, a Congressman.  See, members of the House are paid to do their whining and carousing to the tune of about $174,000 a year.  And Biden just gave them a massive raise!

As of today, every member of Congress, from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to Leslie Knope to Joeseph Barron will now make one half of a million dollars every year.  That’s right.  More money than you will ever even dream of seeing in your whole lifetime, you pathetic old bitch factory teabagger.

“But why?” is the question emanating from the mouths of many outraged Americans wearing unattractive red caps and shitting themselves on the seats of their Trump pickup trucks.  For an answer, we turned to congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado, who is an expert in numbers and also multiple handjobs.

“Well I know Jim Jordan desperately needs some kind of face work.  I mean, he’s instantly recognizable and unbelievably punchable.  Anybody who sees him and doesn’t want to knock that dimple up his ass is pretty chill.”

“Devin Nunez and Matt Gaetz both are desperate to get serious psychological help.  That costs money.  With Nunez, it’s not so obvious, he just seems like a pirate dick all the time.  But Gaetz can’t barely read a coloring book or watch “Mama’s Family” without tossing off.  Pretty bad.  I’m a whore.”

Biden is well aware of the myriad needs of congressional people, and with the advent of his new tax-and-spend bill, now has acres of cold, hard, American cashito to make all their dreams come true.  Cue the theme song to Laverne and Shirley, people.

And for Christ’s sake, stop believing these ridiculous articles, you twits.