WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a revelation that has stunned absolutely no one, reports indicate that Senator Mitt Romney has been quietly collecting a $65,000 annual “petty cash” allowance from the Congressional expense account for years, using the funds for what sources describe as “totally normal, everyday billionaire necessities.”
When confronted about the lavish perk, Romney dismissed criticism, stating, “It’s really not that much when you break it down. You ever try to keep up appearances in Washington on a measly Senate salary? It’s practically poverty wages.”
Where Does the Money Go?
According to financial disclosures, Romney’s $65,000 in “petty cash” is spent on a range of absolutely essential personal and political expenses, including:
- $14,000 annually on artisanal hair gel imported from the Swiss Alps. The gel, known as “Glacial Presidential”, is harvested from naturally occurring ice caves and applied by a former Olympic figure skater for optimal shine.
- $12,500 on monogrammed cufflinks featuring his own face, which he gifts to interns as a “motivational tool.”
- $10,000 to fund an elite team of stylists responsible for keeping his suits at exactly 92.3% starch rigidity, ensuring he “never looks like a commoner.”
- $9,000 on an annual membership to a secret, invite-only country club located inside the Capitol basement, known as “The Old Money Lounge.” The initiation fee allegedly requires candidates to demonstrate their ability to politely ignore the existence of poor people.
- $7,500 on a private consultant who specializes in “appearing relatable” during campaign stops, including training in “casual denim-wearing” and “pretending to understand Costco.”
- $5,000 on a personal “cookie taster” to pre-screen all baked goods after the infamous 2012 incident in which he mistook a snickerdoodle for a peanut butter cookie and called it “a little spicy.”
- $4,500 annually on a dedicated team of aides whose sole job is to prevent him from high-fiving anyone ever again.
- $2,500 on a monthly emergency fund for “unexpected public transportation interactions” should he ever find himself forced to ride the Metro by accident.
Romney Defends the Expenses
When questioned about the necessity of these purchases, Romney scoffed, “People think this is a lot of money, but I assure you, I have spent more on a single yacht renovation.”
He then clarified, “And technically, I don’t even have a yacht. It’s a maritime investment portfolio diversification asset.”
Congressional Response
While some lawmakers have called for an investigation into the petty cash fund, most insiders admit that Romney’s expenditures are nowhere near the most egregious use of government money.
“Honestly, compared to what some folks in Congress are spending taxpayer money on, Romney’s gold-plated shoelaces are the least of our worries,” said one anonymous Senate staffer.
Meanwhile, Romney remains unfazed, already lobbying for an increase to $100,000 a year, citing “inflation and the rising cost of gentlemanly dignity.”