Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has officially greenlit the very first step in a bold, sweeping, historic, and completely noncommittal effort to maybe, possibly, one day, if the wind is right, impeach Chief Justice John Roberts.

“This is a serious development,” Johnson said while adjusting his tie for the twelfth time in a single sentence. “We’ve approved an exploratory impeachment probe. That’s Step One in a rigorous seven-step process designed to get the American people absolutely nowhere.”

According to a one-page flowchart printed in Comic Sans and leaked to the press by a Kinko’s employee named Art Tubolls, Step One involves “authorizing an inquiry into whether or not to consider forming a subcommittee that will assess the merits of pursuing a potential draft resolution about exploring misconduct.”

Step Two, should it come to pass, would be forming a blue-ribbon panel of mostly interns and one guy from the Capitol Subway Café who once read a book on civics. From there, the process must pass through five additional layers of “probing,” including a preliminary allegation matrix, a credibility vibe check, and a full congressional re-reading of Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill.”

“This isn’t just a witch hunt,” insisted Johnson. “This is a fact-finding witch hunt. Totally different.”

The case against Roberts stems from an anonymous tip—reportedly scrawled on the back of a Waffle House receipt—that he once used the Supreme Court breakroom microwave to warm up leftover veal from a gala event hosted by George Soros. According to the source, who may or may not be Joe Barron, Roberts didn’t even cover the food, causing a “suspiciously liberal smell” to linger in the room for days.

That tip, initially flagged by DOGE’s investigative unit, led to the current probe. DOGE, of course, is now run by Elon Musk, who confirmed the report on X, formerly Twitter, formerly a functioning website. Musk clarified, “The veal had communist undertones. Unacceptable. Investigate.”

Critics argue the whole thing is politically motivated and about as effective as impeaching a ghost. “This is legislative shadow puppetry,” said Democratic Whip Hakeem Jeffries. “They’re starting a process that even Indiana Jones couldn’t navigate with a treasure map and a machete.”

Johnson insists the inquiry is necessary to preserve the integrity of the nation’s highest court, which—he added—“has been compromised ever since Roberts started dressing like a Hogwarts professor and writing opinions in cursive.”

When asked if there was any actual evidence of wrongdoing, Johnson responded, “Not yet. But that’s why we’re exploring it. It’s like Lewis and Clark, except instead of discovering rivers, we’re discovering vague vibes of impropriety.”

Legal analysts say even if all seven steps are completed—which would require 14 committee votes, 9 closed-door hearings, 3 name-drawings from a bingo cage, and at least one chicken sacrifice (per the House Judiciary Committee’s 2022 bylaws)—Congress would still be several steps away from a formal impeachment.

“An official impeachment inquiry isn’t even on the table yet,” explained legislative expert Janice Feldspar. “It’s still locked in a closet behind a series of booby traps that only Joe Barron has the key to.”

In the meantime, Roberts remains Chief Justice, reportedly unbothered by the noise. Sources claim he’s spending his afternoons sipping sherry, quoting Dickens to his law clerks, and assigning 17-page dissents on parking disputes.

As the process lumbers forward, Americans remain divided. Some are calling for swift action. Others are asking who John Roberts is. A few believe he’s the host of Wheel of Fortune.

Regardless, Speaker Johnson says the exploratory probe will remain a “top priority” right after passing a non-binding resolution praising soup and considering whether to rename the Capitol Rotunda “The Freedom Egg.”

Because if there’s one thing Congress knows how to do, it’s start something it has no intention of finishing.

God Bless America.