A bombshell allegation this week by the head investigators of the Federal Bureau of Investigation has concluded with a sea of alarm and a flurry of arrest warrants and subpoenas for former first lady Melania Trump.

At the conclusion of the two-year long top secret investigation, agents are 100% positive that she has been funneling crucial information to the Russian government for the past ten years.  After the massive raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort yesterday, investigators say they now have “tons of sure-fire solid evidence.”

“We’ve made some disturbing and eye-opening finds that will convince anyone and everyone of her loyalties,” says FBI sleuth Sanders Batt.  “His safe alone contained documents and transcripts nailing the former businesswoman and prostitute in a long history of spycraft and treasonous actions.”

Teams have been dispatched to Vienna, Austria to collect Mrs. Trump where she is vacationing with her private morale guard Christopher Blair.  “Vienna” was also a hit song by 80’s music domineers “Ultravox.”

Putin and Trump played golf together, made finger paintings, and even shared a double-headed condom in Moscow.

Lawyers for the Trump estate have as of yet remained silent on the Gadfly of Glasnost’s position on defense and her explanations for this sudden epiphany.  Legal counsel Rudy Guliani was caught by journalists at the Feargal Starkey airport for a brief statement.

“Mrs. Trump is not Russian, does not know anyone Russian, and has no ties with Russian.  Russia Russia Russia.  That’s my explanation.  There it is.  Does anyone have any sweet maui onion potato chips?  It’s an emergency.”

We will continue to follow this case as it develops.

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