In an event that has sent shockwaves through the multiverse, former First Daughter Malia Obama—now known as “Maleek”—has officially transitioned and tied the knot with a former cyborg emperor who was, at various points in history, a man, a woman, and a sentient algorithm programmed for social justice.
The lavish ceremony took place in the floating city of New Wakanda, a utopian paradise that hovers 3,000 feet above what used to be Washington, D.C. The city was renamed after traditional nations and borders were abolished in 2036, when the Supreme Court ruled that capitalism had been a “problematic construct” all along. The wedding was officiated by a non-binary AI that identified itself as “Reverend Inclusion” and live-streamed the vows directly into the consciousness of every citizen via their government-issued neural implants.
The guest list read like a who’s who of Earth 62’s interdimensional elite. King Art Tubolls of the Socialist Moon Colony sat front row, beaming with pride as he clutched his ceremonial Bernie Sanders action figure. Joe Barron, who currently serves as the High Chancellor of Free College and Government-Funded Avocado Toast, was spotted wiping away a tear with his ethically sourced, 100% recycled hemp handkerchief. Other notable attendees included Oprah’s hologram, the ghost of Karl Marx (summoned through a séance powered by renewable energy), and a pack of emotional support llamas dressed in pantsuits to honor the late Supreme Leader Hillary Clinton.
The reception featured a plant-based, gluten-free, emotion-certified menu designed to ensure no sentient being—organic or synthetic—was offended. Guests dined on sustainable lab-grown quinoa steaks, drank carbon-neutral kombucha, and engaged in heartfelt discussions about dismantling systemic oppression in the reptilian overlord community. Musical entertainment was provided by an AI-generated hologram of Beyoncé, now legally recognized as the Supreme Being of the Multiverse, who performed an acoustic cover of “The Internationale” in 47 different languages simultaneously.
But not everyone in Earth 62 was celebrating. Conservative critics—who now reside exclusively in the underground resistance bunkers of Texas-istan—expressed outrage over the wedding. “First they come for our gas stoves, now they’re rewriting reality itself!” raged one Republican senator, whose consciousness was recently uploaded into an NFT to avoid paying taxes. “Pretty soon, they’ll make it illegal to identify as a middle-class taxpayer.”
Despite the backlash, Maleek and their new spouse are already planning their honeymoon, which will take place in the Andromeda galaxy. The couple plans to spend their time advocating for universal healthcare, mandatory pronoun reassignment for extraterrestrial beings, and the implementation of a galactic minimum wage for time-traveling gig workers.
In a final act of ultimate wokeness, the couple has vowed to replace the American flag with a gender-neutral rainbow made entirely of feelings, ensuring that Earth 62 remains the most progressive version of reality—at least until Earth 63 institutes its mandatory diversity quotas for household pets.
God Bless Earth 62.
