WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning example of government efficiency, USAID has awarded Malia Obama $2.2 million to serve as a pen pal to “dozens” of children across five countries—though no one, including USAID itself, can confirm which countries those actually are.

The grant, officially categorized under “Democracy Promotion Through Handwritten Letters”, was intended to foster goodwill between the U.S. and developing nations through Malia’s elegant prose and heartfelt anecdotes about growing up in the White House. However, recent investigations have revealed that no one can verify who received these letters, or if they were even written in the first place.

The Grant’s Origins

USAID’s Pen Pals for Progress initiative was quietly approved last year under a budget item simply labeled “Global Friendship Efforts.” According to government insiders, the program was created after a top official vaguely remembered how fun it was to have a pen pal in second grade.

Malia Obama was chosen without an application process due to her “extraordinary qualifications”, which reportedly include:

  • Owning several pens.
  • Once writing a short story at Harvard.
  • Having “a nice signature,” per sources familiar with the matter.

Where Did the Money Go?

Government accountability watchdogs have tried to trace the $2.2 million expenditure, but most records lead to a single Dropbox folder labeled ‘Malia’s Letters – Maybe.’ The folder contains one half-written letter that just says ‘Dear Friend’ before abruptly cutting off.

When questioned about the exact destinations of the letters, USAID provided a colorful pie chart with no labels and a statement that simply read:

“Five countries. Dozens of kids. Friendship.”

Further confusion arose when a Freedom of Information Act request revealed that USAID officials themselves don’t know which countries were involved. One source admitted:

“We think some letters went to Africa, or maybe South America. But definitely five countries. We feel confident about that number.”

Malia Responds

When reached for comment, Malia Obama released a brief statement:

“I take my role as an international pen pal very seriously. These letters, though few in number, have surely changed lives. Maybe. Also, writing is exhausting, and $2.2 million felt like a fair number.”

She later posted a photo on Instagram of a single, unused postcard with the caption: “Thinking of you, wherever you are.”

Global Reaction

International leaders were equally baffled by the initiative. When asked if any children in his country had received a letter from Malia, the President of Kenya shrugged and replied, “We get a lot of letters. Who’s to say?”

Meanwhile, a small town in Luxembourg briefly believed they were one of the recipients, but later realized the envelope was just a Netflix subscription renewal.

At press time, USAID had approved an additional $1.1 million for Malia to start a pen pal podcast, which will consist of her reading aloud the letters that may or may not exist.