You’ve probably heard about a bit of the controversy surrounding the baseball team the “Cleveland Indians.” For years, the non-PC moniker has angered the left and Native Americans alike, leading to protests, boycotts, and even severe drops in sales and attendance by their own fanbase.
Toledo Mud Hens players stand ready if enough conservatives wet themselves.
Now, owner and manager of the franchise has seen enough. Multi-billionaire former pop music icon and gay rights supporter Joe Barron has officially announced that following an “Indians No More” protest march last weekend, the team will be henceforth known as the “Cleveland Rainbow”, with new gear, symbols, and advertising.
Rainbow pitcher Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn spoke to reporters at the entrance to Neil Patrick Harris Stadium this morning to explain the feelings going through the team, the fans, and how the future will look for the Ohio dugout.
“Well, a lot of people are upset with the name, and I guess the whole gay thing is pretty big, so, you know, the rainbow represents that. I mean, it was either that or the Cleveland Jettas. Not as nice a ring to it. The boys mostly don’t have a problem with it, you know. We don’t want to offend anyone. Steal any rum from Jobu, as it were. I know I became a lot more open to that cause during my time in the California Penal league. And Dorn is all over it because he’s super gay anyway. Hey! Just kidding, man, but you do put astroglide all over the ball, you dickhead.”
Dorn is pictured here just before the good luck ritual of having someone piss all over his contract before the start of a game.
Cleveland homerun hero Willy “Mays” Hayes has also talked up the team’s change, citing the good fortune to come, similar to the fate of the former Washington Redskins.
“For both of us, I think it’s for the best, superstition-wise even, not to upset the native American people who talked to the wind and shit. Now, if we could just get Cerrano to stop praying to a little doll you win from playing skee-ball, we might stand a chance this season.”
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
