In what’s being called a “groundbreaking moment for inclusivity,” the Maine State Athletic Board has unanimously approved the formation of what it believes to be the state’s first all-transgender high school girls’ soccer team to compete in the boys’ division.
The 7-0 ruling came after a brief deliberation and a highly publicized petition from the “Pine Bluff Lady Talons,” a small-town varsity squad that has been absolutely steamrolling its competition in the girls’ league. This season alone, they’ve outscored opponents 118 to 3, mostly in the first half. Goalie Charlene “The Wall” Dobbins hasn’t seen a ball since mid-September.
“We felt this was a matter of fairness,” said Board Chairwoman Lydia Pyles. “These brave young women deserve the chance to compete against athletes who present a real challenge, and we’re proud to give them that opportunity by placing them in the boys’ bracket.”
Naturally, the move drew praise from progressive groups, online pundits, and one obscure Canadian folk singer who wrote a ballad titled Cleats Without Borders. President Biden’s former snack liaison, Art Tubolls, called it “a beautiful step toward an all-gender future where we no longer see players, just people.”
But somewhere along the way, things went hilariously sideways.
Turns out, the entire decision was based on a catastrophic misunderstanding of the team’s original request. The Lady Talons never said anything about being transgender. They simply requested to compete in the boys’ division because the girls’ league had become boring. That’s it. That’s the story.
Team captain Mallory Kendrick explained it to reporters: “We wrote in our petition that we identify as elite competitors and that we feel more comfortable playing at a higher level. Then suddenly we’re a trailblazing trans team? We’re just bored.”
The confusion apparently began when an unnamed school administrator—believed to be longtime assistant athletic director Joe Barron—forwarded the request to the Board with the subject line “Support Our Trans Girls.” Barron now says he thought “elite” and “identify” were “code words.”
“I didn’t want to be canceled,” he told Newsweek For People Who Don’t Read News. “So I figured I’d get ahead of it.”
By the time the truth emerged, it was too late. The media narrative had already solidified, and the Board found itself in the awkward position of having to admit that no one actually read the petition in full.
“We skimmed it,” said Pyles. “There were a lot of feelings in it. We support feelings.”
Now, the Lady Talons will still play in the boys’ division, but without any of the assumed historical weight. Progressive outlets have since retracted their glowing op-eds, and the folk singer has retitled his song Oops, My Bad (The Soccer Song).
Meanwhile, the Talons kicked off their new season against the Pine Bluff boys last weekend and won 9-0. In the first 12 minutes.
God Bless America.
