Tom Selleck has had a varied and storied career before his current stint as a pitchman for senior insurance.  Perhaps best known for his years as the title character of television’s “Magnum P.I.” and his starring role in the blockbuster smash “Runaway”, Selleck has managed to get a lot of breaks in the show business world.  Even after famously turning down the role of Indiana Jones, he roared back with his own version, “Quigley Down Under.”  But now it seems he can’t give a break to the *President he should be proud of.

“What do you mean there’s no giant rolling rock? Did you at least get a stereotypical little Chineeser kid?”

Taking to the stage last weekend at a luncheon benefit for men suffering from moustache hepatitis, Selleck gave a keynote speech that shocked many members of the mostly over-60 crowd of gimpy boomers.  Joe Barron of the The Queefly News Examiner was there to catch the controversial commentary.

“If you’re like me, you worry about home ownership.  And where you’ll be as the curtain begins to drop.  Well, nevermind that right now.  Donald Trump is running the country like it’s his own personal whorehouse and needs to be flown into the Bermuda triangle or something.  He already betrayed our men and women in uniform by knowingly letting them be targeted.   He botched a response to a pandemic and threw people off their health care.  People, i was better on Boston Legal than this shitbag is as President.  Blue Bloods, people.   I’m in Blue Bloods.  And you’d have to be a Blue Twat to support this morbidly obese shambletard.  Correct America’s mistake.”

America’s other mistake was trying to make a douchy vampire kid Spider Man.

The brief political rant was met with stunned silence, as most of the elderly white audience members had assumed Selleck was a trusted Trumper due to his job advertising rip-off-old-people scams.  Maybe if he wasn’t such a turncoat, he could have been a Jedi at some point.  Sorry, “uncle” Tom.



  1. Hello. I am Joe Biden. Tom Selleck is like the cheap version of Chuck Norris that you find next to a half-eaten box of chocolate that some kid left from last year’s valentine’s day prom.

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