Dearborn, Michigan police arrested five thugs yesterday, after they publicly rushed a 50-year old statue of the Prophet Mohammed in the city’s Teabagger Square just after one p.m., toppling the religious icon to the ground and smashing it to pieces.  Of the five, four are currently listed in critical condition after a scuffle with the authorities for resisting arrest.

Suspect Jocelyn Coque recuperates in the ICU after surgeons removed several police badges from her private parts. The badges were unharmed.

Sandy Batt, the sole uninjured sixty-year old participant of the vandelism made a statement to Dearborn’s Daily Sharia Queef :

“Y’all, we patriots are just tired of seeing that statue of the dry-cleanin’ man standing there when good statues all over ‘Merica of our heritagial heroes is gettin’ the Gallagher treatment.  This was a statue of people we don’t like what are tryin’ to takes our country away!  Well, we are standin’ with our Presimadent now, Donald Trump!  He ain’t got no patience for nothin’!  Where my mad dog 2020 at?  Trump/Mad Dog 2020!”

Two of the protesters, Eaton Balzack and Anita Dickenme were downgraded to “stable” as of this report, having been beaten by police so badly that their trademarked “MAGA” caps had been accidentally inserted directly into their sphinctorial cavities.  All victims are still unconscious and in the Intensive Care Unit.

The extricated caps were later recycled into two Nickleback concert T-shirts and donated to orphans with bad taste in music.

Arresting Officer Seymour Titmeat told media sources that the severe action taken against the hoodlums was completely justified:

“Frankly, these punks are just really damn lucky we didn’t just open fire.  At least three of them had their nice juicy backs right to us at one point.  It was purely happenstance that my hand fell on my nightstick first or else Blue Lives Matter would have had another round of donations.  The lesson here is that if you don’t want to be the guest of honor at a Cop Rock party, don’t break the law.  Or be black.  That last part is why these troublemakers are just lucky to still be alive.”

17 Comments

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