SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In an unprecedented yet legally obvious decision, the notoriously liberal 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that most of President Biden’s recent pardons are unconstitutional—because, as it turns out, you can’t pardon people who haven’t actually been charged with anything.

The ruling comes after Biden issued a sweeping wave of preemptive pardons, covering activists, celebrities, and several of his own relatives, despite none of them facing actual charges. Among the recipients were:

  • Hunter Biden (just in case)
  • Taylor Swift (for “whatever they’ll try to pin on her”)
  • That guy who invented the plant-based burger
  • Anyone who ever attended a climate protest
  • The concept of socialism

According to legal scholars, this bold yet nonsensical move suggests that Biden either misunderstood the Constitution or just got carried away signing things.

The Court’s Decision

The 9th Circuit Court ruled that presidential pardons require an actual crime to have occurred—a technicality that severely limits Biden’s ability to just hand them out like Halloween candy.

“While the power to pardon is broad,” the ruling states, “it does not extend to individuals who have committed no crime, been charged with no crime, or, in at least one case, do not even exist (see: ‘John Q. Progressive’).”

The decision drew immediate backlash from White House officials, who insisted that the President was merely acting out of an abundance of caution.

“Look, man,” Biden said in a press briefing, “I just figured, why wait for trouble? Let’s get ahead of it. Future-proof this thing. You know how it is.”

Nixon’s Ghost Weighs In

In a bizarre paranormal twist, the spirit of Richard Nixon materialized in the courtroom during oral arguments to express his unexpected agreement with the ruling.

“Even I waited until there was an actual scandal before considering a pardon,” the ghost of Nixon reportedly said, shaking his spectral jowls in disapproval.

Legal experts were startled by Nixon’s ghostly cameo, but most agreed that if even Tricky Dick thinks you’re abusing executive power, you might be overdoing it.

What Happens Next?

With most of Biden’s pardons now null and void, many of the recipients are left confused about whether they are actually in legal trouble.

Hunter Biden, who had already printed “Presidentially Pardoned” business cards, was seen frantically Googling whether preemptive pardons work retroactively. Meanwhile, Taylor Swift shrugged off the ruling, stating, “I’ll just write a song about it.”

At press time, White House officials were considering re-submitting the pardons but phrasing them as “Presidential Immunity Coupons” to see if that would get around the courts.